“And I'm afraid by the way we grow old, my darling.”
– Kate Bush, ‘Warm and Soothing’
~~~
“Happy early Birthday,” JC said when Joey answered the door, a bouquet of white roses in his hand. Joey rolled his eyes but took them, also grabbing the bag nearest to his feet. He dropped it just as the door closed, taking JC into his arms instead. JC’s smile was warm and huge against his neck. His voice held a hint of fond bemusement in it when he spoke. “Are you freaking out yet? I know how you feel about this getting older nonsense, you big dork.”
“I’m trying not to think about it,” Joey murmured. JC smelled nice, a sweet mixture of soap and sweat. It was abnormally warm for January in Orlando, but that didn’t explain the sheen of wetness on JC’s skin. When Joey touched a tongue to it, it tasted like the ocean, pure salt.
JC laughed and tightened his arms around Joey’s waist. “I’m so glad that I’m here.”
“Me too.” In truth, Joey was nearly giddy. He liked downtime. He did. It was a chance to recharge, which he found harder and harder these days, and a chance to spend more time with Brianna, but dinner wasn’t quite the highlight of his day he had hoped for. “You want a shower?”
“You coming with me?” JC asked, hooking a finger into the belt loop of Joey’s jeans and tugging him along. Joey went forward willingly as they walked up the stairs. More than anything, Joey wanted to pick up JC, who hadn’t gained a pound in twenty years, and end the anticipatory walk, but the coy grin on JC’s face convinced Joey to hold his horses and be patient.
“You stopped dyeing your hair,” JC said, pausing midway up the stairs. His fingers settled on Joey’s head, parting the strands. It was smattered with grey, Joey knew. Though he still had his full head of hair, he had started going grey at thirty. “And you’re growing it out. I like it.”
“Movie role,” Joey said. “They wanted me au natural for it, warts and all.”
JC grinned, bright and sunny. “That’s the best way. You get better with age, Joe.”
Joey snorted. “Nice try, C.”
“I mean it,” JC murmured, moving his fingers down to Joey’s mouth. JC was the one who had aged carefully. They all teased him that he had more sex appeal now than ever before. The Mick Jagger of the pop world but with less wear and tear around the edges. JC had faint crow’s feet around his eyes, soft laugh lines around his mouth, and he had never looked better.
They moved again, backward to Joey’s bedroom and the master bath. The shower in it was huge. Joey had bought the house for this bathroom. The view for one, but more than that, the natural light from the skylight and the feeling of openness and comfort. All this in a bathroom.
They undressed quickly, grinning at each other. It’d been a long few months apart. Their schedules had never quite meshed well enough for excuses. Joey had a movie to finish filming, and JC had a small tour for his latest solo album that had ended only yesterday. Joey felt a little shy for no reason at all except he was on the terrifying cusp of thirty-five and feeling a little melancholy over the fact that time was still blurring past him. He just wanted it to slow down.
Undressed first, JC sat on the closed toilet seat and waited for Joey to untangle the jeans from his ankles. Eagerness had always made him clumsy. JC also had that way about him, that way of watching that made Joey feel keenly self-conscious of his own body.
There were also times Joey couldn’t believe they were even attempting this, attempting them, again. It hadn’t worked fifteen years ago, though they had tried so hard to make it happen. Now, they were older, more experienced and more determined, but were they really any wiser? Joey supposed time was just going to have to tell, but he’d always had an unnatural fear of the future, preferring the present instead. JC forced Joey to think beyond where he was in time.
~~~
They weren’t young enough to have sex in the shower without breaking something. Joey had never been young enough for that. Plastic shower curtains met their untimely deaths and, barring them, he’d knocked sliding doors off their tracks five times in his life. Years of repetitive strain injuries had reduced Joey’s knees to old things that creaked and groaned when he knelt. They settled for washing each other, taking their time with it. It was so nice to touch JC again.
“Mmm,” JC murmured, “I missed your hands, Joe. Gary just doesn’t do it for me.”
“I should hope not,” Joey replied, rubbing over JC’s knotted shoulders with two firm thumbs. The water was hotter than Joey liked, but JC stood directly in the spray and took most of the heat for himself. “Though, you know, since I’m not around. You could, if you wanted.”
“Gary, my straight masseuse. Right. I’m just that charming, Joey. Those straight boys love me,” JC murmured, lolling his head forward, his chin to his chest. Joey dug into his muscles until JC groaned, lifting a hand and pressing it against the tile. “No, I’m burned out on open relationships, Joey. It’s nice of you to offer, but I’m too jealous, man. I want you all for myself.”
“It gets lonely on the road.”
“God gave me a hand, Joe. I’m fine. C’mon, switch with me, man. I’ll even turn down the temperature so you don’t melt,” JC said, grinning. He slapped a hand against Joey’s hip until Joey moved. Though the shower was big enough to fit most of Joey’s immediate family inside it, they managed the switch like they were trapped in a box. Joey thought of it fondly as foreplay.
After they were both washed, they kissed lazily under the steady spray. JC’s mouth had improved with age. Once upon a time, Joey remembered his kisses as open and wet, enthusiastic in the best way. Years had toned down the sloppy, unbridled joy of JC’s kisses but had also made him into a master of comfortable, bone-tickling pleasure. They matched much better now.
Out of the shower, they forewent towels and stumbled blindly to the bed instead, still locked at the mouth. Cold prickled Joey’s skin, and he tried to roll JC on top of him for warmth, but JC was shivering and refusing to go. They wrestled for a bit, laughing like boys, before Joey made the fatal mistake of glancing at the clock. It blinked 2:30 at him in bright red numbers.
“Fuck,” Joey said, rubbing a hand over his damp face. He couldn’t believe it. Weeks of burgeoning anticipation leading him to the here and now, with a hard-on so stiff it hurt, and he wasn’t even going to get to do anything. It was almost his birthday, too. Joey couldn’t help himself. He moaned his misery into JC’s shoulder. “I gotta get Bri from school.”
“I can wait until tonight,” JC said, rolling onto his back. His dick arced onto his stomach, slim and strangely graceful for a cock that was, essentially, like any other. It took all the self control Joey had in him to keep from touching. Both his hand and his mouth ached for it.
“It’s gonna have to wait until Monday, C.” Joey stood and walked to his dresser, pulling out a clean pair of briefs. He stepped into them then started looking around for some jeans. “I’d ship her off to a friend’s tonight, but well, I don’t think she has any, man. Kids, you know.”
“They still giving her grief?” JC asked. He crouched down and unzipped his suitcase. In their fury, they’d brought JC’s bags into Joey’s room, but they were going to have to be moved. Though no comment had been made, Joey recognised JC’s frustration about the delayed sex. Adding insult to injury and making him move his stuff right that second would just start an otherwise preventable and wholly unnecessary fight. Joey knew JC as well as he knew anybody.
Joey buttoned up his jeans then started to thread the belt through the loops. Most days, he would have just thrown on sweatpants, but dinner out seemed like a good idea. “I hoped switching her to private school would be better, but yeah, she still gets shit about it. Worse, she’s the new girl, and god, I don’t know where she got it from, C, but she’s so shy around kids her own age. I shouldn’t have dragged her around all those years with me. It warped her.”
“What else were you going to do?” JC asked. He didn’t add the lingering ‘besides quit Nsync,’ and he didn’t need to. Joey had made his decision years ago to go on with it all despite Brianna. Even when Kelly disappeared the first time, leaving him alone with a three year old kid, he hadn’t considered letting go. Maybe he should have, but that was a moot point now.
“I just want her to have one friend. That’s it. Just one. I ain’t asking much, C.”
JC smiled and threaded his fingers through Joey’s hair, rubbing over his scalp. Joey leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. “She will. Give her time. She’s great, man, and I’m not quite as biassed as you, so you know I’m telling you the truth. It’ll get better for her.”
“I hope so because, man, it’s killing me. That’s my kid, you know? She is great!”
“Daddy Joey,” JC said fondly and knocked on Joey’s skull.
~~~
Donning hats and sunglasses, they waited in the line of Porsches, Jaguars and Mercedes for school to get out. Joey didn’t particularly like the fact that the kids had to wear uniforms or that only the rich could afford to attend, but he had hoped going to class with other kids who had famous parents would be easier. The fact remained that Brianna’s father was Joey Fatone of Nsync, first American vocal group with an openly gay member. JC had been linked to all four of them throughout the years, constant fuel for the tabloids. The same old shit followed them around that had been there eight years ago when JC first came out, and kids were infinitely cruel.
“I guess I’m not sleeping in your room tonight,” JC said quietly as he drummed his fingers on the dashboard. Joey exhaled and kept his mouth shut. Already, he could feel JC’s disappointment seeping across the car, thick and potent. “You haven’t told her, have you?”
“I will,” Joey said. JC sighed, and Joey felt his shoulders stiffen in response. “She has enough to deal with, C. I don’t want to put this on her, too. I mean, we don’t even know if you and me are going to work. We agreed to take this slow, remember? It fell apart last time.”
JC scratched a hand through his hair, brushing it over his forehead. It was a tactic JC had developed to hide his eyes when he was pissed and fighting not to be. Joey knew it too well. “Fifteen years ago, man. Half of Justin’s life, I might add. Just know I want you tell her, all right? I won’t nag about it, but you raised her well, Joey. She’s the most open-minded, supportive kid I know. She knows I’m gay. It won’t kill her to learn you’re bi.”
“It’s not that,” Joey said.
JC snorted.
“It’s not,” Joey repeated. “Plus, if we tell her, then she’s gonna know I’m having sex.”
“God forbid,” JC said wryly. “It’s not like we’ll do it in front of her, Joe.”
Joey slapped him on the thigh as JC laughed, light and lilting. His skin was hot beneath Joey’s hand, and Joey couldn’t help but move his palm over it, following the warmth. One look at JC’s twisted mouth, and Joey knew he was forgiven, even though he deserved all the irritation JC could muster and then some. He’d had months to tell Brianna that he and JC were together.
They parted quickly at the shrill tone of the school bell. Kids started pouring out seconds later. It was a sea of plaid, black and white, all chattering loudly at each other. Brianna came out of the front door alone, looked around then made a beeline for the car. Joey could tell from the expression on her face that she was in a mood. Inwardly, he winced and braced for it.
“Hey, kiddo,” Joey said as she settled in the backseat, arms already crossed. She glared at him and kept her lips a straight line. He opened his mouth to push it but one pointed look from JC shut him up. Not that JC knew anything about child-rearing, but Joey was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Anything to avoid a fight with a girl whose vocal heights eclipsed his own.
“Hey, Bri,” JC said.
Grudgingly, she muttered, “hey, JC.”
“I was thinking about going out to dinner. I think we’re early enough that we’d beat the Friday night rush. We can go to that pizza place you like,” Joey said, trying to catch Brianna’s eyes in the rearview mirror, but she was scowling out the window. “What about you, C?”
“I’m pretty hungry,” JC said, a look of quiet sympathy on his face. “It sounds good.”
~~~
Dinner wasn’t too bad. Brianna didn’t really talk, but she liked pizza, so she warmed up near the end, hesitantly telling JC about the play the upper grades were putting on, Disney’s version of Robin Hood, complete with songs. Brianna had been cast as Marian’s nurse. Still, whenever Joey tried to interject, Brianna cut him off and glared at him. He was glad to go home.
Brianna settled at the kitchen table to work on her homework as Joey urged JC upstairs so they could set up the guestroom. JC didn’t comment again on the imposed exile, but he loudly complained about Joey’s ability to arrange furniture and started rearranging everything instead.
At seven o’clock on the dot, the phone started ringing. It was one of the things Joey had come to count on as a constant in his life. The sun rose in the morning, the sun set at night, and the phone rang every day at seven in the evening. Joey always picked it up out of some misplaced sense of friendship. Still, he fought with himself for a moment before sighing and grabbing it.
“How far apart are the bars on the crib supposed to be? I keep reading different things.”
Joey collapsed onto JC’s bed, already feeling a headache brewing. When JC glanced at him, Joey mouthed ‘Chris’ and rolled his eyes. “I don’t know. Not so wide that the kid’s head will fit through it, and I don’t know the average size of baby heads off the top of my ... head.”
“If I put the bars too close together, do you think she’ll develop claustrophobia?”
“Probably not.”
Chris hummed. “Maybe I should just buy a crib, but I don’t trust them, man.”
“Then go into some baby store and measure how wide they’re setting apart the bars,” Joey said, trying to keep his voice even. It was hard. Joey had thought he was pretty desensitised to Chris’s annoying behaviour, but Chris-the-expectant-father brought new and exciting levels of aggravation with him. “I don’t know, Chris. She’s not even going to be able to move on her own for a few months. By then, you’ll know whether or not her head will fit between the bars.”
“What type of paint should I use?”
“I don’t know, Chris. I bought my baby furniture ready made.” Joey rubbed his fingers over his temples and wished for a swift death. Between Brianna’s crazy mood swings and Chris’s insane worrying, Joey believed his head was going to explode. “Do you want to talk to C?”
“Okay. Sure. Chill out, man.”
Joey passed the phone to JC then got up to give them some time alone. Two at a time, he jumped down the stairs to check on Brianna. She was still hard at work, scribbling in one of her notebooks. She took after Kelly when it came to school, gifted in everything she tried. Joey worried Brianna would take after Kelly in other ways, too. They were so much alike, too much.
“How’s it going, kiddo?”
“Fine,” she said, scrubbing at the page with her eraser.
“If you need any help, just holler.”
She blew the eraser bits off the paper. “Okay.”
Joey tidied up in the kitchen, moving the dishes in the sink to the dishwasher and setting some water to boil. By the time he packed up the garbage and took out the compost, the kettle was whistling. He made Brianna a cup of cocoa then made tea for him and JC, adding in lemon.
When he came upstairs, JC was just laying down the phone.
“He’s a lunatic,” Joey said, offering a cup.
JC grinned, moving to sit on the window seat with his steaming mug of tea. Joey settled across from him. “He’s just excited. Well,” JC amended, “he is a lunatic, but more so due to the excitement. God.” JC smiled into his cup. “I’m so happy for him. He’s waited so long for this.”
“He’s got balls, man,” Joey said, shaking his head. Chris did drive him nuts, but Joey really admired the fact that Chris had finally made the decision after years of wavering on the subject. “I’m a single parent by necessity, but he’s a single parent by choice. And he’s no spring chicken either. He has no idea how truly exhausting it is. I mean, I loved Brianna from the get go, make no mistake, but I loved her a lot more when she started sleeping through the night.”
JC grinned. “I still can’t believe Chris moved down the street from you.”
“I know. I guess I’m lucky in that he calls me every day with these weird baby-raising questions when he could always be at my house. It’s nice to have him around, though, and he already has Brianna on board to babysit his kid when they’re both old enough.” Joey poked JC in the side with his toe. “You should be glad he’s straight, or him and I would totally be together. He’d make me be his boyfriend under the threat of death, I totally believe this.”
JC laughed. “Consider me very glad, Joey.”
“Me too, man,” Joey said. He couldn’t help but grin at JC. “Me too.”
~~~
“See what I mean?” Joey said when Brianna finally went to bed after a good two hours of constant snippiness in Joey’s direction. It was Friday, so she got to stay up an hour later, but she had declined to stick around and keep watching movies, opting instead to read over her script for Robin Hood. “I can’t say anything right. How am I supposed to tell her about us?”
“She’s likely to be a sack of raging hormones for a while, Joe,” JC said.
Joey slapped a hand over his eyes and moaned. “Don’t say that, C.”
“Puberty, man.” JC shrugged. “It’s been known to happen, I’m told.”
“It’s not puberty, man. She’s too young. She’s not even eleven yet!”
“She’s almost eleven, Joey, and it’s puberty. Trust me, I recognise the signs. Heather was an early bloomer, too.” JC started shaking his head as if pained at the memory. “Teenaged girls are unpredictable, mood-swinging monsters. You’ve met my mom, man, and you know she’s pretty zen. Imagine her and Heather in screaming matches. My mom won every time.”
Joey couldn’t stop the chuckle from rolling off his lips. “Sweet, little Karen?”
“You laugh, but it was hell. I’m just glad I only had one sister. Next time Chris calls, ask him about it. I bet you he tells you that he considered throwing himself off a building. I can’t even imagine, man,” JC said, his head still lolling from one side to the other, his eyes wide.
“I don’t remember Janine acting any different,” Joey said, trying to think back, but most of his memories of childhood involved vague concepts of noise and excitement. Janine must have hit puberty at some point, but Joey either hadn’t noticed the change or Janine had been fine.
“Man, you were probably too young,” JC said dismissively, waving his hand around, “and you had Steve terrorising your every waking moment. I’m not surprised you missed it.”
“C, you’re completely freaking me out, I hope you know this.” Joey scrubbed a hand across his face. “You seriously think it’s puberty? I mean, she’s just a baby,” Joey said, a strange swirling pit of discomfort forming in his belly. “Should I take her to a doctor?”
“She’s not sick, Joe.” JC smiled. “I think you just need to talk to her about stuff.”
“Stuff?”
“Girl stuff. Sex stuff. Body stuff. I mean, I’ve heard that’s the way to do it. I wasn’t told anything, man, and it fucked me up. If I were you, I would think about giving her the talk.” Somehow, the sheer tone of JC’s voice made Joey think those two words were capitalised, bolded, and surrounded by flashing lights. “She needs to know what’s happening, man.”
“I know. I will.” Joey bit his lip then asked the big question, “you sure it’s just puberty?”
“Well, not a hundred percent, but pretty sure.” JC reached for Joey’s hand, and Joey let him have it. Their fingers laced together, and Joey took comfort from the knot. Daringly, he brought JC’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. JC smiled. “I know you’re worried Brianna is going to have the same problems as Kelly, and maybe she will, but that’s why you’re looking out for her. Brianna knows all about depression, and she knows she can talk to you about that.”
“I know. Just so long as she keeps acting out, I know she’s fine. I mean, with Kelly, half the time, I couldn’t tell. The other half, she made sure I was locked out. Okay.” Joey took a deep gasp of air then breathed it out across JC’s knuckles. “It’s just puberty. I can deal with that. I mean, I went through it, too. Not as a chick, mind you, but I’m her dad. I’m good.”
“You’re good,” JC agreed.
~~~
With JC around, Brianna mellowed out a little. Joey found he was much calmer, too. Maybe it was all the sex he and JC had during the afternoons when Brianna was at school. Long hours of sweet, slow, naked kissing and touching and rubbing. JC had a beautiful body, and Joey took his time rediscovering all of it, his small marks and ticklish spots and sensitive points.
At night, Joey tried not to touch JC at all. JC was temptation, plain and simple. Joey had gotten laid hundreds of times over the years, by men and women both, but there wasn’t anything else quite like getting laid by JC Chasez. Unlike kissing, JC had been a star at sex right away.
Other than Joey’s lingering paranoia during the evening, they settled into a nice pattern of domestic bliss. Chris came over from time to time to visit. Still, Chris never missed a seven o’clock phone call. Even when he was in Joey’s house, he called from his cell just so he wouldn’t get out of the habit. JC spent more time with Chris than Joey did. After months away, Chris was still a novelty. To Joey, Chris was an annoying neighbour who wouldn’t buzz off.
Joey also headed to Borders and bought a whack of health books. At night, long after Brianna had gone to sleep and JC had quit trying to sneak into Joey’s bed, Joey would stay up and go through them. The more he read, the more he became uneasy about this whole puberty thing. Girls did not have it easy at all. Periods sounded messy and painful and annoying.
Warped by uneasy fear and a need for revenge, Joey called Chris up at one in the morning. Chris wouldn’t be asleep, that much Joey could count on. He only needed four hours of sleep a night, which was probably better for his impending fatherhood.
“I’m having daddy anxiety,” Joey said before Chris could say anything beside hello.
“At ten, your kid is practically bulletproof, Joe. She knows not to chew on power cords!”
“One word: puberty. I knew she should have been a boy. I even said to my guys, if you have to knock anyone up, make sure you give me a son. I can deal with a son. I’ve totally condemned my kid to,” Joey scanned the page of the open book on his lap with one finger, “many, many years of gender-related strife. Have you thought that far ahead?”
“I’m only at, like, six months of age, man. What if she rolls off the changing table!”
“Daughters are all sweetness and light until they hit puberty, man, I tell you. Enjoy that first decade. After that, they seriously go mental and for good reason.” Joey scrubbed a hand over his eyes. He was absolutely exhausted, but he was all worked up. Sleep didn’t seem likely.
Chris started babbling, a near-hysterical pitch to his voice. “I remember that with my sisters, man, more with Kate and Molly. I was ready to throw myself off a building. My mom kept up pretty well, but I was the steak in the lion’s den. They blamed me for everything. They hurt all over. My fault. Some boy at school teased them. My fault. Bras gave them backaches. My fault.” Chris made a sudden, startled noise. “Damn, Joe, why are you making me relive this?”
“You’ve been hassling me for months, Chris. You owe me this,” Joey said.
“You know I appreciate it, Joe.”
Joey smiled. “I know, man.”
~~~
“Am I allowed to come in for some platonic companionship?” JC asked, hovering in the doorway. He was wearing a pair of silk pajamas with the top unbuttoned, and he had his hair tied back in a bun, though several wild tendrils escaped and haloed his head. JC personified relaxation, and Joey needed that, even if he risked wanting to keep JC around all night.
“You sure I can’t just shove these books at her and forgo any sort of conversation? She’s a bright kid, smarter than you or me. She knows how to read.” Joey gestured helplessly at his stack of books. JC caught his hands and help them still. “I’m not ready to see her grow up, C.”
“You have a couple more years for that, Joey, and you have all these great firsts, like her first concert. Of her choosing,” JC added, smiling. Brianna was only beginning to develop her own taste in music independent of Joey’s own. Joey lived in fear of it. “I still think you have to go with her. You gotta protect her from all the boys who will be wanting her phone number.”
“You evidently haven’t hung around enough drama geeks,” Joey said.
“All the girls then,” JC said. He laughed when Joey tried to pinch his sides. It quickly deteriorated into a rowdy wrestling match than resulted in both of them on the floor, shouting and carrying on like they weren’t both grown men in their mid-thirties. It started getting X-rated, but Joey was so wrapped up in the sensation of JC’s long, lanky body wriggling helplessly against him that he didn’t much care.
“Dad?” Brianna appeared in the doorway, rubbing her eyes. Her hair was a wild mess of tangles. Idly, Joey noticed it was getting long again. If he could manage it without starting world war three, he would suggest a haircut. If he couldn’t, he’d wait until she realised she had a ‘fro.
Guilty, Joey stopped tickling JC. “Sorry, kiddo, did we wake you up?”
“What are you doing?” Brianna asked, looking them over in a way that reminded Joey strongly of Kelly and the way she used to narrowed her eyes when he didn’t act his age.
The problem, Joey always thought, was that he had never acted his age. These days it was different. He hadn’t been out to party for months, but Kelly was god knows where and not around to see it. She kept in sporadic contact with her mother, and Grandma Baldwin kept Joey and Brianna updated. Wherever she was, Joey just prayed she was happy or getting there.
“We’re just being dorks. Pretending we’re still fifteen,” Joey said, climbing off JC. Thankfully, he was no longer packing it, and if JC was, Joey couldn’t tell by looking at him. Still, he doubted Brianna knew what a hard-on looked like. He prayed she didn’t, anyway.
“We’ll shut up,” Joey assured her. The mood, if there had been one, was totally killed.
Brianna seemed to want to say something else, but Joey noticed the exact moment she changed her mind. Her eyes widened back to their usual overly-round shape and her shoulders dropped slightly. Finally, she shrugged. “It’s okay. I wasn’t really asleep yet. Good night.”
“Good night, kiddo,” Joey said.
“‘Night, Bri,” JC added.
Afterwards, they laughed. It had been worse, they both agreed, the time Diane found them making out in the back of the bus, after Chris promised to keep an eye out, but definitely not by much. Barely at all, Joey thought, still feeling giddy with the fear of almost being caught.
~~~
For Joey, the week before Brianna’s eleventh birthday was utterly and completely nerve-wracking. He wanted to buy her something special, but he didn’t know what newly eleven-year-old girls liked. She was too young for makeup, daddy’s rules, and she didn’t really wear jewellery. The problem, Joey figured, was that she had been entirely spoiled as a child and had everything already. She hadn’t even wanted a cell phone, but he made her carry one just in case.
“Buy her clothes,” JC said, “or get her a gift certificate to buy her own clothes.”
“She has so many clothes already,” Joey said, but she had gone through another tiny growth spurt and gained some weight, her body looking more like a young woman’s every day. Out of sheer terror, Joey had ended up taking her to the doctor, but Dr. Sheehan said she was fine and healthy, well on her way through puberty. Joey had nightmares for the rest of the week.
In the middle of the day, they snuck out to the mall, him and JC. With their trusty hats in place, Joey let JC lead him around, looking for something Brianna would like. JC played fashion guru while Joey played conservative father. Clothes for girls were hyper-sexualised. Joey used to be able to appreciate the bare midriffs and the tiny skirts, but Brianna had turned him into a nun.
“You could get her one of these,” JC said, holding up some flimsy piece of lace.
Joey choked on the gum he’d been chewing, thumping a fist against his chest as it burned down his throat. “I cannot. God, C, I’m her father. I can’t give her sexy lingerie for her eleventh birthday. I just want a nice pair of jeans and a sweater. Socks, even. Not that.”
“This one then.” JC grabbed a cotton bra with a pink bow. “I think she needs one.”
“Fuck,” Joey breathed, still clutching his heart. He hadn’t even managed The Talk yet, though the doctor had warned him he better do it soon. Joey knew his limits, and there was no way he was ever going to live through buying his daughter a bra. Brianna would kill him.
“Lance and Moira are visiting soon. I’ll ask Moira if she’ll do it,” Joey muttered, waving at the bra until JC put it back. When he started making that disapproving mother-hen face of his, Joey held up a hand. “C, I can’t. I’ll talk to her, but this is something she needs a woman for.”
“Okay,” JC said, his expression still tight. “You’re right about that, I guess. She does.”
Joey exhaled. “I think I’m just gonna get her a watch for her birthday.”
“You know,” JC said slowly, “that’s a pretty good idea.”
“It’s been known to happen,” Joey replied, wryly.
JC laughed.
~~~
Joey threw a small party for Brianna’s birthday, inviting the grandparents and the guys. He had told her she could invite friends from school, but when he had asked about it later, she had just glared at him until he apologised. For what, he didn’t know, but it felt like his fault.
Lance arrived first, rolling into the driveway in his trusty old Expedition. He helped Moira out of the passenger seat, holding her hands as she stuck a foot out, looking for the ground. Seeing her round belly, Joey could only hope she didn’t end up delivering in his kitchen, though if he remembered correctly, she was only eight months along. Another big baby, Joey guessed.
“Moira, looking lovely as always,” Joey said, kissing her cheek.
“I feel like a whale. If you’ll excuse me, I need to pee,” she said, hurrying off.
“Hey, Liam,” Joey said. Lance held Liam’s hand while he jumped down to the grass. Liam looked up at him, blushed a fierce red then hid behind Lance’s leg, clutching at his pants with small fingers. Grinning, Lance just shrugged then opened his arms for a hug. Joey picked him up and squeezed as hard as he could, careful of Liam. “I’m glad you’re here, man.”
“Me too, Joe. I swear, the next time I think driving from Mississippi to Florida with a four-year-old and a pregnant wife is a good idea, please remind me I’m a huge moron. Lord.” Lance reached down and untangled Liam from his khakis, lifting him into his arms. Liam hid his face against Lance’s neck. “This little guy was good, though. It was his mother who was driving us both nuts. I promised him soda if he behaved. Do you have any?”
Joey laughed. “Come on. I have grape Fanta coming out my ears.”
In the kitchen, JC and Brianna were talking with Moira. Joey went for the fridge and grabbed a can of soda. He handed it to Lance, who poured a little into a plastic tumbler. After Liam was settled at the table, Lance came up behind JC and squeezed with all his might.
“JC,” Lance mumbled.
“Hey, man.” JC glanced over at Liam and smiled. “He’s like a mini you, Lance.”
“Tell me about it,” Moira said, shaking her head. She rested an elbow on Lance’s shoulder, leaning on him for support. Joey thought she looked ready to fall over, but when he made vague gestures to the chairs, she shook her head. “I’m really hoping this one’s a girl.”
They talked for a while until Joey had to run off and play doorman. His parents showed up then Kelly’s parents, all of them weighted down with presents and food, despite Joey’s claims for weeks that he had everything. Evidently, they all felt he didn’t have any potato or jelly salad, which he could admit he didn’t. Brianna hated them both, but he guessed adults had to eat, too.
Chris walked over with a very familiar, hat-hidden man slinking up beside him. In seconds, Joey was across the grass and swinging Justin around in circles. It had been months, more than Joey could count, since Justin had been able to take time off from his schedule. Even at thirty, he wasn’t slowing down. Unlike the rest of them, Justin didn’t have other obligations. His back acted up from time to time, sidelining him for a few weeks, but he rarely let it for long.
“You told me you weren’t coming,” Joey said.
“Somebody,” Justin glared at Chris, and Chris sheepishly shrugged, “begged and cried until I made the time. Besides, I was starting to itch with missing y’all. It’s been forever, Joey.” Justin looked around, craning his neck to peer into the house. “Am I the last one here?”
“Yeah,” Joey said just as a car pulled up. The backdoor opened and a blonde girl stepped out, holding a present and looking at them with wide eyes. Dumbly, Joey smiled and crossed his fingers behind his back. Slowly, she approached them as the car started to pull away.
“Hi,” she said. In turn, she stared at Chris, Justin then Joey. “Um, is Brianna home?”
Joey resisted the urge to dance. He nodded instead and led her into the house, giving a thumbs up to Chris and Justin. Chris pumped his fist through the air then turned to Justin, presumably to explain the situation. With a strange wobble in his voice, Joey called for Brianna.
A brief time with friends and family had obviously been much better for Brianna than the too much time Joey offered. She came running out the kitchen, smiling and laughing. Brianna and the girl hugged. Almost immediately, Brianna started tugging on her hand. Joey coughed.
“Oh, Dad, this is Cathy. Cathy, this is my dad. That’s Chris and Justin,” Brianna said, pointing them out as they came through the door. “Do you want to meet everyone else?”
“Okay,” Cathy said shyly. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” Joey said. His overwhelming joy was making it difficult to speak.
~~~
Of all Brianna’s friends throughout the years, Joey liked Cathy the best, though he’d only known her for two hours, and he really didn’t have that many to pick from. Dragging Brianna around for years hadn’t allowed Brianna to form many friendships with girls her own age. Joey had been overly optimistic thinking that would change when he and Brianna finally settled down.
Nsync wasn’t quite the hot commodity they had once been, but they still got platinum records and still sold out the occasional show when they went on the road. Things changed as they got older, but they were still Nsync, and it was obvious Cathy knew who they all were. It was even more obvious, however, that she wasn’t the least bit fazed, though she did shyly ask Chris for his autograph after Brianna had loudly assured her that Chris wouldn’t mind at all.
“For my mom,” Cathy explained solemnly as Chris scribbled.
The grandfathers set to tackling the barbeque, and Joey decided to corner Moira as she came out of the bathroom for the third time since she had arrived. He tried to be nonchalant about it, but he didn’t even have to ask. One look at his face, and she came over to him.
“I have to ask a favour,” Joey said. They ducked into the laundry room. “I wouldn’t normally ask this, and I suppose I could just ask my mom, but I know Brianna likes you.” Joey scrubbed a hand through his hair. “C says she needs a bra, and I need a woman to get her one.”
“Okay, I can do that,” Moira said. “Now relax, Joey,” she added, touching his arm.
Ruefully, Joey smiled. “Am I acting that mental about it?”
“Your hands are shaking,” Moira said, looking down at them. Sure enough, they were jumping all over the place, but funny, he hadn’t even noticed. “You’re right, Joey. She needs another woman for something as important as the first bra. Have you talked to her about it?”
“I keep meaning to,” Joey said helplessly.
“You have a week, Joey. I’ll happily take her out for some girl time, but she needs some warning,” Moira said as she folded her hands over Joey’s, stilling them in the cradle of her palms. In that moment, Joey could understand why Lance loved her so much. Moira could be hard as nails when she needed to be, but the rest of the time, she was just a wonderful person. Joey had stood by Lance as his best man at the wedding, and he’d cried like a baby when they finally said I do. “Lance told me that JC told him that you’ve been doing your reading.”
“C can’t keep his mouth shut,” Joey said, rolling his eyes.
Moira grinned. “C loves you and likes to brag about you.”
When Liam started calling for her, she left Joey alone to mull it over. Cross-legged, Joey sat on the dryer, thinking. Outside, he could hear the happy noises of Brianna’s party continuing on without him. His little girl was eleven years old. He remembered when she was born, how she fit between his elbow and his hand, how she looked at him and burst into tears. Those first few moments, when Kelly couldn’t even look at her, when Joey had to take her and feed her and promise her that her mommy and daddy would always be there. One part of that had been true.
Joey wasn’t even mad anymore. It wasn’t Kelly’s fault, and, as he had come to accept, it wasn’t his either. The day he had realised that, he had called up JC and asked if they could try again. Joey’s love for JC had never wavered through the years. Other people had come and gone, but JC had always been there, going through his own ups and downs. It’d taken fifteen years for them to be ready for each other again, and Joey owed JC far more than JC actually got from him.
“You’re missing the party,” JC said, hovering in the doorway. He looked really great. His soft, old blue jeans and a tight white tee-shirt, hair loose around his shoulders. When Joey held out his hands, JC stepped forward and let them settle on his hips. “You okay?”
“I don’t treat you as well as you deserve,” Joey said.
JC touched his knuckles softly to the side of Joey’s face. “You treat me fine.”
“You’ve been back in my life for months, and I still haven’t told my kid how much I adore you, how much I love you,” Joey said, dropping it in casually. He hadn’t said it until then, not this time around, but he knew now should have said it first thing, before he ever asked for a second chance. It was easier than he thought it would be. “How much I want you to stay.”
“You’ll tell her,” JC said, sounding sure. He scuffed his knuckles over Joey’s thin beard.
“I told you I didn’t know if we would work, but we will, C. I know we will. This is me telling you that I don’t want to go anywhere. Even if I only get to have you one day a year, I’ll take it. Be with me always?” Joey asked, curling his fingers more securely around JC’s hips.
JC bit his lips. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t know,” Joey said then sharply shook his head. “No, I know. I’m asking you to marry me, C. However we can, I want to do that with you, be there with you. I don’t have a ring yet,” Joey added, already pulling at the silver band he wore on his middle finger, “but I can give you this for the time being.” There was a pale line of skin left behind where it had never tanned.
“You don’t have to do this,” JC said. “I never asked you for this, Joey.”
“We can just be together,” Joey added quickly, “if marriage really isn’t your thing.”
JC shook his head then bowed it forward until their brows touched. From this angle, Joey could see every shade of blue in JC’s bright eyes. When JC smiled, Joey felt his entire body heat with it. JC’s laugh followed quickly, light as music. “I can’t believe you’re proposing to me.”
“I can’t believe you’re stringing me along like this,” Joey replied.
JC lifted up his foot and wiggled off his toe ring. He took Joey’s ankle in his fingers and lifted his foot. “This’ll have to do from my end,” JC said, slipping the ring over Joey’s middle toe. When Joey’s foot was let back down, JC held out his hand, fingers spread. “Yes, Joey.”
“Shit,” Joey said, nearly dropping the ring. Still, he managed to get it on, shaking hands and all. They held a look between them, and it was a moment Joey knew he would remember forever. Caught in it, they kissed. Door wide open, they kissed like there was no one in the world but them. Joey couldn’t help running his fingers over the cool metal of the ring that JC wore.
Joey had always joked about the ten year plan. Funny, he thought, that it turned out to be the twenty year plan instead. Give or take, Joey amended, feeling his smile touch his ears.
~~~
Later, when the grandparents had gone home, Brianna had retreated to her bedroom with Cathy in tow, and Moira had taken Liam to Chris’s house for bed, the rest of them gathered on the back porch, clutching cold beers and settling around the citronella candles, just them five.
“Anyone else interested in starting work on another album?” Justin asked.
“Hell, yes,” Chris said. “I need to pay off my baby, man. She’s an expensive lil’ bugger.”
Lance rolled his eyes. “You got the egg for free, Chris. That saved you some pennies.”
“I can’t believe my kid is half Bass. I’m only hoping she takes after my side of the family,” Chris said, grinning. It was a complicated situation, one Joey only barely understood. The surrogate was a stranger who needed the money, but the egg was Stacey’s and the sperm had been all Chris’s doing. To Joey, it sounded like science fiction, but Chris swore it was the truth.
“I’m in,” JC said. He hadn’t stopped playing with the ring, rolling it around on his finger. So far, no one had commented, but Joey knew Lance had noticed. If JC kept it up, Chris and Justin would be in on it soon enough. When JC looked over, Joey smiled. “And Joey’s in.”
“You realise,” Lance said slowly, “when we go on tour, we’ll be the baby brigade, right?”
Chris clapped. “That’s the spirit, Bass! So you’re in?”
“I’m in,” Lance said, grinning. “Moira already gave me permission.”
Justin hooted. “That, guys, is why I’ll be single to the day I die. I’m not pussy-whipped!”
“It’s called marriage, Justin,” Lance replied, tipping his beer and taking a swig.
“We’re getting married,” JC said quietly. They had exchanged a series of looks as Justin and Lance talked, and Lance’s comment had seemed the perfect opening. When Joey nodded, JC made his move, very casually. “Me and Joey. I don’t know when, but we’re planning on it.”
It seemed to startle all of them for a moment, but then, in an instant, Joey had an armful of Lance and Chris as Justin tackled JC. They all ended up on the deck, laughing and gasping for air. JC showed off the ring on his finger then they all made ruthless fun of Joey for the toe ring. It was like old times, the yester years of Germany and beyond, when they’d been stupid kids. Now, they had their own stupid kids, some further along than others, but still, here they all were, together like time had never passed at all.
~~~
Justin couldn’t stay, but they all made tentative plans to meet back in Orlando in three months to start work on the next album. Lance was immediately on the phone, looking for a house to move his family into, though they wouldn’t actually do it until after the baby. Chris pointed out a house was up for sale on his, and Joey’s, and now JC’s, street. It was his by noon.
After a few good days of zen in the Fatone household, Brianna turned back into her grumpy self. Cathy phoned nightly, and it was only then that Brianna lightened up. Joey checked with Brianna’s teachers to make sure it was still just hormones, and they assured him that she was an absolutely perfect little angel. Joey did manage to help Brianna with her lines for the play a couple times, though she let him read with her only begrudgingly and because JC was around.
Knowing he was running out of time, Joey locked up the house and kidnapped JC to the local Walmart at two in the morning, JC’s absolute favourite time to go. With the weight of the world in his belly, Joey forced himself down the aisle that all good men avoided like the plague.
“How are you ever supposed to pick the right one?” Joey asked.
“I’d go for Kotex,” JC said, reaching for a package. He juggled it in his hands then tossed it to Joey. It was lighter than Joey expected, and he’d never been good at anything sports-like, so it went bouncing down the aisle when Joey inevitably fumbled it. “It comes with the Chasez women’s seal of approval. Do you remember what brand the Fatones endorsed?”
“C, do you ever wonder just what information shit like this has replaced in your head?” Joey asked, smirking. JC bopped him on the head with a package announcing the joys of wings. “I have no idea, C. So Kotex it is.” Joey grabbed a couple styles. Brianna could figure it out when the time came. After this, his plan was to check under the sink weekly until she moved out and never speak of it again, providing he even spoke of it at all. “Now get me out of here.”
“Aye, aye, sir,” JC said, saluting. He raced off before Joey could kick him in the ass.
~~~
Finally, Joey stirred his courage and made JC go to Chris’s house. When JC came back, Joey promised, he would be allowed to sleep in Joey’s room, to wake up in Joey’s bed and to kiss Joey good morning at breakfast. Filled to the brink with knowledge, if not understanding, and clutching a pad and a condom as demonstration tools, Joey took a deep breath and knocked on Brianna’s door. It was so loud it was almost deafening, but he heard her irritated “what” clear as glass.
“Can I come in?” Joey asked, already reaching for the doorknob. When she didn’t reply, he opened it and walked inside, trying to ignore the pigsty of her room. In some ways, she was his child, through and through. They both tried to carry the world around as their possessions.
Brianna eyed him suspiciously. “Is there something the matter?”
“No, kiddo. It’s gonna feel like there is, but I swear, this is for your own good, okay? You don’t even have to talk. You just gotta listen to what I have to tell you.”
Gingerly, he sat on the bed, putting the pad and the condom between them. Brianna’s eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything. The baby she was still lingered in her round cheeks and the soft slope of her brow, but Joey could see the woman trying to get out. Brianna was lovely like her mom had been, not traditionally beautiful but undeniably pretty. Her body was filling out like Kelly’s had in high school, forever short and stocky, and it just made her feistier.
“You deserve to have your mom here, kiddo, but you’re going to have to settle for me. I know you’ve been having a rough time these last few months. I wish life had been easier for you, but them’s the breaks, I guess, getting stuck with me as your dad,” Joey said. Unexpectedly, he felt his eyes start to moisten. He blinked the tears away and tried to smile through them.
“I miss mom,” Brianna said quietly. “I tried not to, Daddy, but I really, really miss her.”
“I know, kiddo, and I wish I could tell you that she’s coming back, but I don’t know. I honestly don’t.” Joey wanted to hug her, but he didn’t know if he was allowed. She made the decision for him, climbing into his arms, a solid weight against his chest. “I miss her, too.”
Brianna sniffled and looked up at him as he gazed down at her. Wetly, she smiled at him. With his sleeve, Joey dried her cheeks. Soon, she’d be too big for him to hold like this, so he was treasuring every second of it. Seriously, Brianna said, “I want you to be happy, Daddy.”
Joey mustered the most innocent look he could manage, his heart beating like mad against his ribs.
“He’s been living here for months.” Brianna’s eyes widened slightly. “I get it, okay?”
“Too smart to be my kid,” Joey murmured, tapping her on the nose. She grinned at him, and that was his, that grin of hers, it was his, too. “I love JC very much, kiddo, and I know you won’t have a problem with that. I raised you to believe that love comes in all shapes and sizes. I know you’ve been vocal about your support of JC, even when the kids at school give you grief. I’m so proud of you, kiddo. You’re growing into such a beautiful and smart young woman.”
“Daddy,” Brianna said, tucking her chin against her neck, her cheeks a rosy pink.
“Bear with me,” Joey reminded her. “C and I are gonna get married. Not legally, though I wish we could, but he’s gonna be around for a long time. It’ll be a little different, but not much. Way long ago, when we were pretty young, we tried to be together, and well, it didn’t work.”
“But it’s gonna work now?”
“It is,” Joey said, squeezing Brianna as tight as he could manage without breaking her. She gave as good as she got. “Thank you for being so mature and understanding, kiddo.” He kissed the top of her head. “You think you can manage me a little longer? I got more to say.”
“I guess,” Brianna said. She sounded reluctant, her eyes going to the pad and the condom, and Joey couldn’t blame her, but at least they were on better footing with each other than they had been for weeks. He took a deep breath and slowly, finally, started to talk.
~~~
JC came home at midnight, heading straight from the front door to the bedroom. Joey counted the seconds it took from the erratic beep of the house alarm as it set to the squeak of his door as JC pushed it open one-handed. Joey was already in bed, sheets pulled to his waist, naked as he read a book that was blissfully fictitious and having nothing whatsoever to do with puberty.
“How’d it go?” JC asked, getting undressed as he moved across the room. JC had always been the best at that, getting his clothes off in ten seconds or less. It was great in a tour setting, but even better when it came to this, to feeling JC climb under the sheets with him, totally nude.
“It was good,” Joey said, exhaling a sharp breath. He set the book down on the night table then reached for JC, who slipped under his arm willingly enough. “I think we’re both a little traumatised, but she asked questions, and I could answer them. Moira’s taking her out tomorrow for some girl time. We cried a little, too. She really misses her mom, C. I hurt so bad for her.”
JC smiled then kissed the round of Joey’s shoulder. “You are such a good father, Joey.”
“Eh,” Joey said, shrugging and smiling, neither confirming nor denying his opinion on it. All Joey knew was that he’d managed to talk to his daughter about something important and hadn’t died doing it. It was the little things. “I told her about us. Well, she knew already.”
JC grinned, playing with his ring again, rolling it around on his finger. Joey still had the one on his toe, and he didn’t know how JC could stand those things for extended periods of time. Joey could always feel it, cold on his skin. He hadn’t known his feet were so sensitive.
“You wanna go pick out real rings tomorrow?” Joey asked, combing his fingers through JC’s hair, still as dark as ever. JC was going to be the lucky one, Joey thought, providing his forehead didn’t grow anymore, but there were always hair-plugs and comb-overs to consider. “Maybe start planning stuff, telling people. My mom is gonna pee her pants, C.”
JC laughed, his body shaking against Joey’s chest. Joey couldn’t help but roll over him holding him down against the bed and kissing him. The light from the reading lamp was dim, and Joey realised almost giddily that it was dark outside. Tomorrow, when it was light, JC would be in his bed, sleeping right where he belonged. Joey really liked the idea of it.
“I am insanely in love with you, C,” Joey said, leaning over him. “You know that, right?”
“I believe you, Joey.” JC smiled and lifted his head for a kiss, which Joey willingly gave. They hadn’t had sex in days, not since the afternoon before Brianna’s birthday party and not as two men engaged to be married. The surrealism of the situation alone was a bit of a turn on. Joey still couldn’t believe it, but it felt righter than anything else Joey could imagine in his life.
“Do you promise to be quiet?” Joey asked, nuzzling at JC’s neck. His answer didn’t really matter. Joey was already grabbing for a condom. When he felt the foil package touch his fingers, Joey started fumbling for the lube instead. JC watched him, mirthfully laughing. “I mean it, C.”
“I’ll give it my best shot, man,” JC finally said, his words coming on hitches of breath. A hand on JC’s cock always did that, took his breath away and stuttered his voice. Joey rolled down the condom as quick as possible, trying not to think of the one in the bathroom garbage can or Brianna’s bright red face as he explained its use through his own fever of blush.
~~~
They went to the guy who had done Lance and Moira’s rings. Lance swore the guy could be trusted, and Joey believed him. Word about Lance and Moira’s wedding hadn’t come out until the day after, when they were happily on their way to New Zealand for their honeymoon.
“Should they match?” Joey asked, crouching down and peering through the glass. They were all diamond-encrusted and huge. Joey figured it was only a matter of time before the media noticed the ring. When they did, he wanted it to be ambiguous, something he didn’t have to comment on unless he wanted. Being with JC meant that someday Joey would have to come out.
“I just want something simple. A nice white gold band with an inscription,” JC said, squinting at the collection before him. Terry, the guy who ran the store, was busy tidying up another display, paying them little mind. When they had come in, Terry had immediately locked up the doors and dragged down the Venetian blinds. Joey was already set to give him a big tip.
“I kinda like those ones,” Joey said, pointing at two rings with Celtic etchings on them. Not gaudy and not plain, they held a simple elegance. The price was high enough that Joey knew there was something special about them, even if he couldn’t tell what it was by sight alone.
JC put his face on the glass and squinted at them. He nodded. “Let’s try them on.”
They fit, though Joey’s was a little loose. Terry promised he could fix that in a few days. With his AMEX card, Joey paid for JC’s ring. JC paid for Joey’s in cash, pulling a neat little wad of twenties out of his back-pocket. Joey couldn’t help but kiss him right there and then. Some things just didn’t change, and it was realisations like those that made Joey believe in the future.
~~~
There was an unspoken agreement not to mention the girl time shopping trip, but two weeks later, Joey found two white cotton bras in the laundry. He had a mild moment of panic, but it vanished quickly enough. Feeling both calm and steady, he started folding everything and making small piles. Somehow, JC’s laundry had ended up in the menagerie. Joey separated their underwear, oddly glad JC had finally gotten into the habit of wearing his briefs more than once.
“You smell good,” JC murmured when he woke up from his nap. He put his nose in Joey’s hair and snuffled around, taking deep breaths. JC’s fetish for freshly clean laundry was something Joey always expected him to get over but he never actually did. “Bri doesn’t get home for a few hours, and I just had the sexiest dream about me and you. I think it should be reality.”
The phone started to ring before anything could be lived out. Joey tried to keep kissing, but JC couldn’t stand an unanswered telephone. With a groan, Joey reached for it and nearly dropped it, JC sucking at his neck in a way that made him forget why he’d even moved at all.
“Hello?”
“You have to come to the hospital with me, Joe. Right now, you and C both. Come on and pick me up right this very second. I thought I’d be fine, but I’m gonna crash if I try to drive. God dammit, man, why aren’t you here already? Please, please, please take me to the hospital.”
“Is the baby coming?” Joey asked.
Chris groaned. “Yes! Do you think I want to go there just for the hell of it?”
JC was already at the door, shoving his feet into flip flops, and Joey was following him, looking around for his sneakers. “We’ll be right there, man. Just relax, okay? You never need to beg with me and C. Well, you can if you want, but we’re there for you always. Just calm down.”
“I’m calm,” Chris said. “I am!”
Still, he practically sprinted to the car when Joey pulled up, cracking his head getting in. The drive to the hospital was well above the speed limit, but JC kept watch for cops. Chris sat in the back, kicking his leg against Joey’s seat and chattering stupidly about sports.
They raced into the hospital, and the nurses at the front desk didn’t know anything, but they suggested going to the waiting room. In time, a doctor came to talk to Chris, explaining what was going on and how long she expected it to take. The surrogate, whose name Joey didn’t even know, had chosen to deliver alone for her sake, and Chris had agreed. JC came back with cans of coke and chocolate bars stuffed into his pockets. Comfort food, and Chris dove right in.
As the hours grew, Joey made a call to Erin, one of Cathy’s moms, and asked if Brianna could spend the night over there. When he had picked Brianna up from Cathy’s after a sleep over last weekend, he had met both Erin and Allison and discovered what he suspected was the initial bonding point in Brianna and Cathy’s friendship. Brianna had happily introduced both him and JC before dragging her overstuffed bag to the car with Cathy’s help.
“Do you think it’s going okay?” Chris asked around midnight, looking wearier and more ragged as the night pressed on. JC had his hand pressed tight to Chris’s thigh to keep his leg from thumping and annoying everyone else in the rapidly emptying room. “It takes this long, right?”
“Kelly was in labour for thirty-six hours, Chris. Sometimes, these things take time.”
Chris pinched his eyes shut then painstakingly nodded, putting his face in his hands. Joey rubbed over his back and ruffled his hair as JC got up to make some phone calls. Both Justin and Lance demanded to be kept up to date hourly, regardless of time, and at last check, Bev had been in the air, on her way to meet her new grandchild and support her son. Surprisingly, Chris had never fought Bev’s plans to spend a few weeks with him and the new baby.
“I’ve never felt my age more than I do in this exact moment, Joe,” Chris mumbled.
“You’re the youngest forty-year-old I know, Chris,” Joey replied.
“I shouldn’t have waited so long. I’ll be sixty when she’s twenty, Joe. I probably won’t live to see her turn forty. Why did I wait so long?” Chris rubbed a fist over his eyes, pressing way too hard, so Joey lifted him up and hugged him properly. “I’m all she’s got, too. Is that fair?”
“Oh, Christ,” Joey said, and Chris sharply lifted his head. “Listen, man, don’t go getting all sad because you waited until you were ready to bring a baby into this world. You’ve been excited about this since you found out the artificial insemination or whatever took. You’re going to be a great father, Chris, and that kid is going to adore you even if you’re old and decrepit.”
“For a pep talk, Joe, I actually found that both depressing and insulting,” Chris mumbled, but he smiled when he said it, elbowing Joey in the gut. To cheer himself up, Chris hauled out the infinite number of sonogram pictures he kept in his wallet, happily talking about them.
In time, JC came back with more sugar and a pack of cards, and they played poker as they waited. Bev showed up around three, racing into the waiting room and dragging three huge suitcases, and she and Chris met at the middle with a big hug. Joey smiled warmly and made room on the couch for her to sit. Without saying a word, he dealt her in for the next hand.
Then, at 4:35 am on a Wednesday morning, Abigail Beverly Kirkpatrick was born. Chris went in alone to see her, needing a gentle push from his mother to take those first steps. An hour later, the doctor said that Chris wanted them there. In a softy lit room, they found Chris with his tiny bundle of joy, topped with a pink hat. They each held her, marvelling at her beautiful smile.
~~~
One good thing about having a kid who was old enough to appreciate weddings was that Brianna volunteered to be the one who addressed and stamped every single wedding invitation. It was JC who made up the list though, keeping the number limited to people they loved and trusted, and a random gaggle of JC’s ex-boyfriends, which Joey still didn’t understand.
“I don’t want them there, per se. Well, Tony, yes, but everyone else? Not particularly. However, my reasons for inviting them are twofold. One, if they found out I didn’t, I would be getting angry phone calls for the next year. Two, I want them to see what they missed and what I got instead of them,” JC explained when Joey asked for further clarification.
“So, essentially, you’re inviting them out of spite?”
“Yes,” JC said. “That’s exactly it.”
Joey addressed only one invitation himself, sending it to Kelly’s last known address. He didn’t expect her to still be there, and he doubted even less that she had left a forwarding address. Joey didn’t tell Brianna that he had sent it, and when he told JC, he started crying about it. JC was good about it, though, assuring him it was the best and the only thing he could do, to try.
For the most part, the wedding preparations were left up to Joey’s mom and Karen, who happily worked together to get caterers and rent out a place by the water. Both families were wonderfully supportive, though there was pressure to move out of state where the union would be legal. In the last ten years, leaps and bounds had been made for gay rights in Florida. They weren’t quite there yet, but Joey had faith, and he wasn’t ready to abandon it for greener pastures.
It was really happening, Joey thought one night, looking at the stack of envelopes ready to go out in the morning by priority mail. Brianna was in bed, worn out from an evening of rehearsals for Robin Hood. It was set to run next week, and Joey already had tickets for all three performances. Lance was flying in for a quick visit to see it, despite the fact Moira was ready to pop, and Chris had already asked his mom to babysit Abby for the evening. Chris still called every night at seven, but he never lasted more than five minutes before he started dozing off.
~~~
JC was asleep on the couch, snoring softly. That was new, and Joey didn’t know where he’d picked it up from, just that it was impossibly attractive. He was sure it had the potential to be annoying if it got any louder, but right now, it was a little thing about JC that Joey really liked.
“Hey, C,” Joey whispered, shaking him by the elbow. JC mumbled and tried to turn over onto his back, away from the terrible noise that was trying to steal him from sleep. “Wake up, C. You’re not a young man anymore. Sleeping on the couch gives you an awful crick in your neck.”
“If you’re trying to entice me into coming to bed with you, you’re failing miserably.”
“Come on,” Joey said, and picked him up before JC could stop him. JC was a lot heavier than he looked, and Joey back protested under the sudden dip of weight, but Joey was grimly determined. JC glared at him, but Joey went merrily on his way, taking them upstairs.
“You’re about a month too early for this threshold business, man,” JC said.
“Hey, hold up. Who said I was going to carry you over that one? That’s your job, C.”
“Me and my muscles,” JC said and flexed his spindly arms. He hit his elbows on the doorjamb as Joey struggled to get them into the bedroom without breaking their necks. Still, they barely made it to the bed, and as it was, Joey tripped on a rogue pair of pants and sent them flying onto the mattress. They landed heavily, a tangle of arms and legs. Joey groaned into the pillows.
“Ooh, my manly man,” JC said in the worst southern accent ever, his voice breaking with laughter.
Joey buried his face into JC’s neck and laughed with him.
~~~
It was almost four in the morning when the phone started ringing. JC picked it up then sat straight up in bed, turning on the light. Joey tried to pull his pillow over his face, but JC grabbed it before he could. As much as Joey could see through the blur of sleep, he was beaming.
“Wow,” JC said, shaking his head. “Here’s Joey. Tell him everything you just told me.”
It was Lance, Joey found out. Lance, who had just delivered his own baby in his own Expedition on the side of the road in Laurel, Mississippi. A healthy nine pound baby girl named Caley Leah Diane, who had come into this world with all the natural determination of a Bass.
“God,” Joey said, reaching for JC’s hand. “That’s going to be a bitch to clean, Lance.”
Lance laughed loudly then repeated the joke to Moira, who shouted in the background. “She says we’re having the car bronzed, which is fine. I don’t think I can drive it again without reliving it all. Lord, Joe, you have no idea. I couldn’t see a thing. It was all shadows out there.”
Shakily, Lance recounted the whole story. Waking up in the middle of the night when Moira went into labour, grabbing Liam out of bed and racing to the car. Midway, realising they weren’t going to make it to the hospital, then getting on the phone with 911 and delivering his daughter with nothing more than the overhead light of the car while Liam slept in the front seat.
“Lance, I think you’re in shock. Get off the phone with me and go sit with your wife,” Joey said, smiling as Lance continued to babble incoherently. They said goodbye, and Joey put the phone on the table. JC grinned at him, and Joey mirrored it right back. “Only Lance, C.”
“Poor guy,” JC said, laughing. He lay back in bed, and Joey settled against him.
“We never talked about it,” Joey said quietly, drawing circles on JC’s chest, “children.”
“You have a child already, one who I love and adore, and I’m happy being an uncle, man. Kids aren’t for me. I never really felt the urge,” JC admitted, shrugging. The lift of his shoulders pulled Joey up with him then lowered him down again. “I mean, I’ll help with Brianna when I can, but I’ll never be a father to her. She’s too old to have me, and I’m just not made for it.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“Perfectly, man,” JC said.
Joey pursed his lips, trying to find some betrayal of emotion in JC’s face. “You sure?”
JC broke into a bright smile. “Joey, really. I’m happy with my role in Brianna’s life, and I’m sure if you asked her, she’d tell you the same thing. I love her, Joey, and any smidgen of desire I had for fatherhood is sated by watching you with her. I’m thrilled with what we have.”
“It’s just as well,” Joey said, kissing JC’s chest where his heart beat sure and steady against his ribs. “Babies are cute and all, but they demand more time and effort than I’m willing to give in my life right now, and I already paid my dues. Puberty scares the ever-living shit out of me, but at least I don’t have to worry about power cords and changing tables.”
“I’m not even going to ask, man,” JC said.
Joey grinned. “Good idea, C.”
~~~
It was a good thing that JC brought tissues to Robin Hood. Joey started bawling ten minutes into it when he finally realised his baby girl was on stage, doing what she loved. He’d never pressured her into music or theatre. She just felt the draw of it like he did and had the talent to do whatever she wanted. If she’d been older, he knew she would have been cast as Marian.
“Stop crying,” Chris said at intermission, coming back from the washroom with red eyes and a fistful of toilet paper. “I haven’t slept in weeks, and you’re freaking me out. My emotions are fragile right now. I, for one, am feeling intense shame here.”
“Nobody asked you to sit beside me,” Joey said, dabbing at his eyes.
“Do I have to split you two up?” Lance asked.
“No, dad,” Joey and Chris said in unison then jinxed each other, but Joey was one second too slow and ended up owing Chris a beer. Still, they switched positions, so Chris was at one end and Joey was at the other, separated by JC, Moira and Lance. Abby, Liam and Caley were with Bev for the evening. Lance had a lot more trust in Chris’s mom than Chris had in Chris’s mom. They’d confiscated Chris’s phone after he’d tried to call home in the middle of the first scene.
Joey’s eyes were wet with tears until the very end. Then, he stood and crazily applauded. Down the row, Chris whistled with his fingers in his mouth, whooping loudly between breaths. JC linked his arm with Joey’s and smiled against his shoulder. Joey grinned back, so happy.
Joey had bought a dozen red roses for Brianna. When she came bouncing out of the school to where they were all waiting, he grabbed her and kissed her on the forehead. “Kiddo, you rocked the house. You’re a star,” he said softly in her ear. When she looked at the roses, he pushed them at her then held out his hand for another tissue. JC was ready for it and laughing.
“You did good, sweetie,” Moira said, handing Brianna a card. Behind her, Lance nodded.
“Your dad cried all the way through it,” Chris said, reaching to ruffle her curls. “Me too.”
“You were beautiful, Bri,” JC added. Joey pressed a quick, fast kiss to his temple.
They had a late dinner at Denny’s, talking and laughing. Justin called Joey’s cell and talked to Brianna for a good ten minutes, making her blush. Joey didn’t know why and didn’t want to know why. His heart hurt in the most wonderful way. Looking around the table, he saw his best friends in the world, loving them more than he ever had in his life. Maybe he was a sentimental old sap, but it moved him to think of how far they’d all come in nearly twenty years.
~~~
One week before the wedding, Joey was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. His tux was too tight around the gut, so he had to get a new one, and there was some problem with the hotels that JC swore wasn’t as bad as it sounded. Joey thought it sounded suspiciously like the media had caught onto the fact something was happening. Joey tried to stay calm. It involved a lot of brandy and even more phone calls to Lance. Still, fate worked against him.
He and JC had been dozing on the couch, idly watching Jeopardy like two old fogies well on their way to senility, when Brianna called downstairs, “Dad! Can you please come up here?” Joey, stupidly, hadn’t even asked why. He went wherever she needed him to go, always had.
Still, Joey came back down shell-shocked, plopping down on the chesterfield. JC glanced over at him and lifted his eyebrows. Joey rubbed a hand over his brow then blinked, trying to clear the fog of emotion covering his eyes. “My little girl is all grown up,” he said, finally.
“Oh, wow,” JC said. JC titled his head and smiled. “Are you all right, Joey?”
“She came to me, C. I told her she didn’t have to, but she came to me anyway.” Wearily, Joey massaged his temples. He really needed a drink, something to sooth his nerves. He was feeling overloaded and emotionally wrought. “I think I did okay with her. I think she’s fine.”
“I could have told you that,” JC said, patting his lap. Joey immediately went forward, putting his head down on JC’s thighs. His fingers came down on Joey’s head and started rubbing his scalp, pushing at Joey’s headache. “You poor baby. You’re having a bad week, aren’t you?”
Joey moaned, grinning through the ache of frayed nerves and not enough sleep.
“I wish I could say things will calm down, man, but we have the wedding,” JC’s voice caught on the word like it always did, like he still couldn’t quite believe it either, “and the new album, and the inevitable tour that follows. I think we’re busier at thirty-five than we were at twenty, man. Life just doesn’t slow down, does it? It just keeps going, making all these turns.”
“It’s nuts,” Joey agreed. JC rubbed over his eyebrows, and while it felt weirder than all get out, it also felt really great, too. “I think, this time, I’m gonna give Bri the option of staying here in Orlando, with my parents, for however long the tour takes. I mean, it’s been fun having her along, but I think she’s finally getting the hang of regular school, and Cathy’s here, too.”
JC put a thumb on Joey’s lips. When Joey opened his eyes, JC nodded and combed back Joey’s hair with his fingers. “I think that’s a good idea, Joe. We can fly back on weekends.”
“Look at you with the ‘we,’” Joey said, grinning.
JC smiled and touched Joey’s cheek. “Look at us,” he said.
~~~
The ceremony was held on the most beautiful day Joey had ever seen. Comfortably warm, not a cloud in the clear blue sky, the birds out in force singing their songs. Lance stayed with Joey as they waited for the signal to go out to the minister, who was neither Catholic nor Mennonite, but she came on recommendation from JC’s underground queer celebrity network.
“I have to tell you,” Lance said, grinning from where he stood at the window, arms crossed in front of him, “Chris owes me ten thousand dollars because you’re doing this. We bet on it sometime in ‘98. I told him, someday you two were going to get married. Chris called me a stupid crackhead, if I recall correctly. I do take extreme pleasure in being right. Thanks, Joe.”
Joey laughed. “No problem, man. I’m glad someone knew because I sure didn’t.”
When the time came to go down, Joey got up and dried his clammy hands on his pants. Into the bright sun and the fresh air, he stepped out with Lance right behind him. Joey looked over and saw JC coming from the other direction. Justin and Chris followed him, watching each other’s feet as they walked in step. Them as a pair had been the solution to the best man issue. They, Joey and JC, met in the middle of the clearing, wearing matching tuxes and each with a white rose pinned to their lapel. Joey’s heart beat like a cacophony of drums in his ears.
When asked later, Joey wasn’t able to remember anything that happened. Thankfully, Steve taped the whole thing. It was just a blur of emotion and mumbled words. He remembered Brianna, bringing up the rings on a pillow that Joey nearly knocked out of her hands. He remembered the feel of JC’s hands as Joey slipped the ring over the bumps of JC’s finger. He remembered the kiss and the roar of sound that exploded right as their lips met.
The reception was a little more memorable, if only for the fact that Lance, in true Lance fashion, got up on the tables and started line-dancing with Justin at his side, but Joey was still dazed. Everyone was there, his parents, JC’s parents, a long line of relatives in both directions. There were old friends and slightly newer ones, and he greeted every single one of them.
There was one person who wasn’t there, though. He hadn’t expected Kelly to come, not really. The invitation had bounced back to him, and Kelly’s parents, who were at the wedding, hadn’t heard from her in months. Still, he’d clung to some hope, and now he felt like an idiot.
Looking at Brianna in her pretty dress and watching her dance like a fool with Cathy, Joey felt the brush of sadness drift away. He was glad he hadn’t told her and gladder still that he had told JC. They took some time for themselves in the washroom, just hugging each other like nothing else mattered but them. Their rings clinked together when they held hands.
“This feels good,” Joey said. He didn’t know what he meant exactly, but it felt right.
JC smiled and recited, “‘Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.’”
“Who said that?”
“Robert Browning, I think. My mom says it to my dad on every anniversary they have. I always thought it was sweet. It’s the sorta tradition I’d like in my own relationship,” JC admitted, bringing Joey’s knuckles to his mouth and kissing them. Inevitably, his lips moved over Joey’s ring and stayed there, breathing heat onto Joey’s skin. “I’m gonna say that to you every year.”
Joey grinned. “Even when I’m ninety and deaf?”
“Even then,” JC said. “I’ll shout it.”
If Joey remembered nothing else from his wedding day, he knew he would remember that. Joey felt the truth of it deep in his bones, and it made him happier than he ever thought possible. Happier than he maybe deserved, but Joey would take whatever he could get in life.
When Joey thought of the future, he felt no fear.
Fin.