Everything Once
By: Rhys

     "If you don't try everything at least once in your life, then how are you going
to know what you like?"  Chris was saying, sounding pretty drunk when he finally
managed to slur out the words, and Lance stared into his beer, feeling kind of tipsy
himself.  Chris sounded really loud, though he was across the room.  "So, like, yeah.  I
stand by my comments."

     "I don't know," Joey said, "that's kind of kinky, you know?  Kind of gay."

     "Well, um," JC interjected, lying on the floor and grabbing at the ceiling, arms
flailing about strangely, and Lance tried not to look at him.  Instead, Lance sipped at
his Heineken, not liking it at all but wanting to drink.  It was rare that JC, Joey and
Chris didn't ditch him and Justin to go out.  "It's all right, you know?  It feels kind of.
cool."

     "See, that's what I'm saying," Chris said, gesturing widely and bopping Justin
on the head.  Justin opened his eyes, and Chris shushed him back to sleep.  Justin had
puked four times, and he wasn't feeling very well, but Lance wasn't allowed to take
him back to their room until Lou and the moms were completely asleep.  "It's wild."

     "Like, really cool, man," JC added, "she gets a finger or two up there, and it's,
like, holy shit.  Sparkling light and stuff.  Wild. You should try it."

     "I don't think so," Joey said.

     Lance felt kind of weird to be sitting here, listening to them and not really
having anything to say.  It was nice that they'd stayed in, though.  Sometimes he and
Justin felt left out because Justin was barely sixteen and Lance's mom didn't want
Lance going out.  Ever since Joey, JC and Chris discovered German women would
sleep with them, they always seemed to be gone.  Lance suspected American women
probably never offered the same benefits.

     Chris was still hounding Joey, occasionally flailing his hand and hitting Justin. 
"Still, you should try it, just once.  It's a learning thing, you know?  You might like
something you never thought about before, and that, boys, is the moral of the story."

     From across the room, Lance saw Justin's eyes were wide and open.

~~~

     A week later, Justin came back to the room with a girl named Maria, who was
five years older than him and kind of weird, but Lance liked her, at least at first.  She
told funny jokes and drove a moped, and he didn't question why she was suddenly
there.  Later, when they were watching movies, she and Justin started kissing on the
bed, and Lance went and locked himself in the bathroom.  

     That night, Lance slept in the tub.

~~~

     Justin was really sorry about everything the next morning and brought Lance a
danish for breakfast, the strawberry kind that Lance, Chris and Joey fought over every
morning because they were never given more than one, and four lemons.  Chris used
to beat them both until he got it.  

     "We didn't, like, have sex or anything," Justin assured him, munching the rims
of his pastry and getting the jam on his nose.  Smiling, Lance wiped it off with his
thumb, and Justin laughed before growing serious again.  "But could you not tell the
guys?"

     "I won't," Lance promised, happy the strawberry danish was his.  "So, um."

     "Just kissing," Justin confessed shyly, "with tongues.  It was pretty cool.  I
think I might see her again, you know, not like as a girlfriend, but she's.  I don't know. 
She's really nice, and it's fun.  She thinks I'm pretty."

     "You are," Lance said, and it was only when Justin was gone that Lance
thought maybe that wasn't the type of stuff you said to roommates.

~~~

     The next time Maria came over, a week after the last encounter on another
Tuesday night, it was late and the others were still out.  Justin's mom had just gone to
bed, and Lance's mom was back in Mississippi for Stacey's birthday.  Lance made
Stacey a card and sent it home, sorry he was missing it.  She always had the best
parties.  

     "I'll just, um, go read," Lance said, tucking his pillow under his arm and
dragging his blanket into the bathroom.  Justin looked really guilty, but it wasn't so
bad.  When the comforter was spread out, and Lance was in the tub, it was really
comfortable, at least for awhile.  

     Lance read for a bit until he realised he was tired -- they'd done two concerts
that day, and he'd danced harder than he had in a long time, trying to impress the guys
from BMG -- and fell asleep, listening to Patsy Cline with an old, taped-together
walkman.  

     Later, Justin came into the bathroom and shook Lance awake.  Lance blinked
hard and wiped his eyes, mumbling, "Justin?"

     "She's gone," Justin said, "sorry. again."

     "It's okay," Lance replied, "and um, you know.  I like it here.  It's.
comfortable."

     "Is it?" Justin peered into the tub then climbed right on in, squishing down next
to Lance with his chin on Lance's chest.  He was long and boney, and Lance thought
he smelled like a girl, all flowery and clean.  "Doesn't feel very comfortable."

     "Um, there's usually only me, you know," Lance pointed out, and Justin
laughed, "and really, it's okay, you know?  Probably, next time, just leave me here. 
And I won't tell anybody, either," Lance added, "because, you know."

     "Our secret," Justin agreed.  

     Lance smiled.  "Yeah."

~~~

     The makeup lady they usually used, a Hungarian woman new to the country
who didn't speak English and loved Lance's bone structure, was sick, and a guy with
blue hair named Jon was hired by Lou to take over for the night.  Lance liked him.

     "Your eyes are so strange," he said when he was combing Lance's eyebrows,
so they all pointed one way and made him look even more effeminate.  Lance hated
that he looked shocked all the time, and he didn't even pluck.  "They're really
amazing."

     "Oh, thanks," Lance said.  "I like your hair."

     "My ex hated it.  That's why he dumped me," Jon explained, putting
foundation on Lance's brow, which was breaking out in zits, again.  Lance thought he
was too old for acne, but all this sweating and makeup really wrecked his forehead. 
"Some boys, eh?"

     Lance nodded and agreed, smiling.  

~~~

     After the show, when Lance was in the bathroom washing his face, Jon came
up behind him and touched his waist.  Lance turned around, his eyes wide in the dim
light, and Jon took his hand, pulling him into the stall.

     Lance was nervous about it -- he really didn't do this kind of thing often -- but
Jon was gorgeous, and Lance hadn't even been kissed for weeks.  When Jon dropped
to his knees, Lance almost screamed but bit his fist instead.  Of course, Lance
reciprocated, still pretty new at it but he'd learn well from his few encounters, and he
liked doing it, found it really sexy to have a cock in his mouth.  Afterwards, they
kissed until Chris came shouting through the hall.  

     When Lance found the group, Justin was looking at Lance like he knew.  

     Lance just turned away and checked to see if his face was clean.

     It was.

~~~

     Justin and Maria didn't have sex.  Lance found that kind of weird because
sometimes, the Wednesday morning afterwards when they all got to sleep in, Justin
would tell him all about the kinds of things they did together and some of it was really
bizarre.  Lance thought they were the types of things most people did after they'd been
lovers for awhile, but Justin didn't seem to realise there was natural progression of
things.  

     "Then she tied me up," Justin explained, "with those ties we use in the show,
and touched me, with, like, her fingers, until I just couldn't take it anymore.  And I,
uh. you know," and Lance knew, of course, figured that if there wasn't any fucking
going on, there better be something.  "It was so cool, though.  I liked it."

     Justin didn't like pain, Lance found out, and hadn't liked being spanked or
having his nipples pinched or bitten.  It was times like those, when Justin's brow was
furrowed distastefully and his lips were all twisted, that Lance wanted to ask why in
God's name did Justin let her do things like that when they didn't sleep together?  

     But Lance never bothered to ask, and Justin kept telling him about his
encounters.

~~~

     Lance knew he was gay.  There was really no question about it, and Lance was
out to his family and a couple friends back home, but he wasn't out to the guys, and he
didn't really understand why.  He thought he was just waiting for the perfect moment.  

     Lance suspected JC knew he was gay.  JC never caught onto anything, ever,
but Lance thought maybe this time he knew because he would walk by Lance when
Lance was cruising a guy and just stare at him like he totally understood Lance's
subtle eyeing.  Or there was that one time he bought Lance a gay porno mag, left it on
Lance's bed under his pillow and blushed bright red the next time Lance saw him.  

     At least, Lance hoped it was JC, and not his mother.  

     That was kind of embarrassing to think about.  Maybe JC just knew something
he didn't.

~~~

     The first time Maria gave Justin a blowjob, he woke Lance up to tell him all
about it.  Lance was tucked snugly into the bathtub, wrapped in blankets and cradled
by several pillows, and Justin climbed in with him, still smelling like sex.  

     "She, um.  Her mouth, on my.  Uh," Justin said, and blushed, like it wasn't
normal or something, and Lance petted him sleepily, smoothing his crazy hair and
allowing himself some time to wake up completely.  "Lance, she.  On my.  Her
mouth."

     "Did you like it?"  Lance asked, not minding that Justin was heavy and girl-
smelling, but a bit worried that Justin was shivering, despite the fact he was wearing
two sweat-shirts.  Justin shrugged and sighed deeply.  "Maybe she just isn't any good
at it.  It's not easy."

     "I did it back."  Justin paused.  "I got hair in my teeth."

     Lance was pretty sure that was too much information, but since this affair with
Maria started, Justin didn't seem to have a problem with telling Lance every little
detail, yet still wouldn't tell anybody, not even JC, that he wasn't quite as virginal as
they all thought.  

     "It'll get better," Lance said idly, even though the idea of doing anything with a
girl kind of made him shudder, but Justin needed to hear something encouraging.  The
first time Lance went down on a guy, not only did he spit, but he also threw up
afterwards.  It wasn't a good time.

     Justin didn't hear it, though.  He was already asleep.

~~~

     Maria got Justin sick with something, and JC caught it, so they were both
down for the night.  Worried about Lance, his mom and Lou plucked him from the
Room of Sickness, stuck JC in his bed and told Chris to look after Lance.  

     "Kid, we're going out," Chris said, tossing Lance a leather jacket, and Lance
stared at it stupidly.  "Put it on, man.  And Joey, Joey!"  Joey's head appeared through
the bathroom door, questioning.  "Get ready faster, man.  We have Lance tonight."

     Lance wanted to point out he was eighteen, and neither of them had him,
because he didn't need a babysitter, despite what everyone seemed to think, but it was
futile to fight, especially with his mom, who ruled with an iron fist.  

     The club they went to was dirty and gross, a total hole, but Lance got beer
without trouble and drank a bit while Joey and Chris danced with girls.  Lance sighed
deeply, and looked around, circling the room threes time before seeing him.  

     Lance wasn't sure why this seemed to work, but a look the right way and
Lance could somehow communicate with other gay men.  The guy, who was kind of
old, probably close to thirty-five, looked towards the bathroom, and Lance finished his
beer.  They met in the end stall, and the guy didn't speak English and only barely
understood it.  

     The guy pushed Lance down, and he went willingly enough, unzipped the
black trousers before going to work.  The guy was so old, Lance kept thinking, and he
smelled kind of strange, different from the others Lance had gone down on before, but
it wasn't bad, not really.  Lance didn't like the fact he pulled Lance off last minute and
came all over his face, a hand twisted in Lance's hair.  Lance spit into the toilet and
grabbed some toilet paper, hoping the guy would just leave.

     When he began trying to tug Lance's pants down, Lance slapped his hands
away and shook his head, but the guy seemed determined, and a blowjob was a
blowjob, really, no sense in turning one down.  

     Lance tried to think of something sexy, but the guy was squeezing his hips hard
and a finger was poking at him, trying to get inside.  Lance froze and said, "no, no, I
don't.  No," but the guy pushed again, and it stung.  Lance pushed at him and said,
"no," then tried to get out of the stall but the guy was a lot bigger than him and wasn't
letting him go.

     Lance didn't do stuff like this, not in bathrooms, not with guys twice his age. 
Lance said, "I have a boyfriend, all right?  Stop, I don't.  I don't do that, okay?"  But
the guy was getting rough, and Lance figured this was where all the bad stuff about
anonymous sex in grungy bathrooms came from.  Lance was pretty close to freaking
out.  

     "Lance?  You in here?"  Chris called suddenly, and Lance shouted for him, not
with words, just a strange frightened sound.  The man clamped his hand over Lance's
mouth, but Lance bit him hard and the door flew open.  Chris was furious.  "You
fucker!" and punched the guy in the head, dragging him out of the bathroom while the
guy yelled in German.  Chris just kept hitting him.  

     Joey was staring at Lance, whose pants were still open, and Lance started to
cry.

~~~

     They left the bar and went to a coffee shop instead.  Chris got a booth near the
back and ordered them all a slice of cake and some coffee.  Lance was on one side of
the table, Chris and Joey were on the other.  Lance was still crying, and Chris gave
him some napkins.  

     "Kid," Chris said, "Lance. hey.  It's okay.  All right?  We're all friends here. 
It's okay."

     Lance cried harder.  He was so embarrassed.  

     "Lance," Chris said, and Lance looked up, responding to the serious voice
because Chris was rarely serious.  Joey was staring at the counter, but Chris was
looking right at Lance, concerned.  "I know it's none of my business, but.  Do you do
that often?"

     "Not really," Lance muttered, dabbing at his eyes.  "Sometimes.  Just when,
when.  Sometimes, not often."

     Chris frowned, and Lance felt the tears well up again, but Chris said, "damn it,
kid.  That's dangerous, you know?  Not just because there are jerks out there, but
because you don't know where those guys have been.  They could get you sick."

     "I know," Lance whispered, and he did, of course he did.  It was stupid, but he
was so lonely sometimes, and it wasn't fair that Chris and Joey and JC got to take girls
back to their room and Lance couldn't.  "I'm sorry.  I just don't know what else to
do."

     "Don't apologise," Chris said quickly.  "It can't be easy for you."

     Lance shook his head.  "No, it's not."

     "What did that German guy say?"  Joey asked suddenly.

     Chris smirked.  "He told me Lance gave lousy head."

     Lance's eyes went wide.  "Oh, I don't --"

     "Lance, we get it, you're gay, you suck dick, it's all right, not everyone's great
at it," Chris said, cutting Lance off, and Lance glared at him, shaking his head, because
that wasn't what he was going to say at all.  It pissed him off that Chris thought it was.

     "I give wonderful head, thank you," Lance said, petulant.  "And you'll
certainly never know."

     Chris laughed loudly, and Joey looked away again.

~~~

     Chris was a lot nicer to Lance after that, and Joey started hugging him again a
few days later, apologising with a manly, one-armed embrace for freaking out a bit
that night.  They didn't say anything to Lance's mother, which was a relief, and Lance
decided maybe bathroom encounters weren't really worth it.  

     That's when JC's German porno mag, with the nubile young men
enthusiastically flashing pretty hairless asses and long hard dicks, came in handy.  

     Lance really hoped it hadn't come from his mother.

~~~

     JC and Justin recovered, and Maria came over the first Tuesday afterwards. 
She smiled at Lance sweetly and gave him a bar of chocolate, which was a nice gesture
since Lance was about to get a backache that would last for days from sleeping in the
tub.  Justin just sat on the bed like he always did, not looking at Lance, not looking at
Maria, just staring at his hands.

     But Justin came into the bathroom a few hours later, when Lance was just
beginning to fall asleep, and he was naked except for boxers.  Lance opened his eyes
before Justin's fingers could touch his shoulder, and the hand hovered there for a long
time before Justin tucked it against his belly.  

     "She wants you to. uh. to join us," Justin said quietly, staring at the wall, and
Lance's heart flip-flopped.  "If you want to," Justin added and scratched his knee,
which was round and knobby.  "You don't have to."

     Lance knew a negative reply was the best answer, but.  "Are you okay with
that?"

     Justin lifted a delicate hand and tugged at his curls.  "Yeah. I guess."

     "You don't sound sure," Lance said carefully.

     "Just nervous," Justin whispered, shrugging, "like. She says it would be cool,
but I'm worried about, you know, things being weird or something, later.  Like, I
don't know if you're even into that. She says you are, but I."

     "I'm gay," Lance said.  

     "Oh."  Justin ventured a tiny glance at Lance, who tried to smile but was afraid
that if he opened his mouth too wide he'd puke all over both of them.   "I never
wanted to ask."

     "I know.  So I'm telling you."

     Justin nodded and chewed his lower lip.  "So you wanna?"

     "If you want me to."

     "Uh. okay."

     Lance stood up and let Justin take his hand.

~~~

     A naked girl was a scary thing.  Sure, Lance could appreciate Maria on an
aesthetic level, like a painting, but it reaffirmed his queerness.  She took Lance's hand
and brought him down to the bed, then kissed him on the corner of the mouth and
smiled.  

     Justin sat down on the other side of her and they kissed for a long time, with
wide open mouths and quick darts of wet tongue.  Lance watched quietly, thinking
maybe he was just there as a voyeur because he didn't think they'd done that yet, and
Justin was all about new experiences.  

     Maria tugged off Justin's boxers, and Lance followed them down Justin's
body, across those long legs to those huge feet then up again, to the naked parts Lance
didn't really see all that often because it hadn't been right to look until now.  He was
gorgeous.  

     Justin turned his eyes to Lance, focussed on him, as Maria touched his belly,
his thighs, his cock.  Lance tilted his head and tried not to follow where her hand
roamed, just wanted to stare at that perfect face and figure out why he was really here. 


     Maria whispered into Justin's ear, and Justin looked to the ground but nodded. 
When he unfolded his body and stepped onto the carpet, feet bare and huge, Lance
held his breath, moving away when Justin reached out to touch him.  

     "We can't take this back," Lance said, and Justin nodded, brushing a hand
against Lance's cheek then leaning down to kiss him.  Justin was trembling, and Lance
knew him well enough to recognise terror, but when Lance tried to stop it, Justin
looked at him and said,
     
     "No."

     So Lance let Justin kiss him until his lips were raw then went into the bathroom
to let Justin and Maria finish their night.

     Once inside, Lance stayed awake for hours.

~~~

     Lance had a boyfriend once, whom he ditched to go join Nsync.  Nathan, a
really quiet guy with a great smile, and Lance actually loved him for the few months
when they were together.  Nathan was pretty cool about the ditching, and Lance still
talked to him occasionally when he was back in Mississippi.  

     Nathan was currently dating a guy named Justin.

     Lance thought it was a pretty small world after all.

~~~

     Lance decided to come out to JC and cornered him one afternoon while JC
napped, curled up on a small couch, which was right next to his bed.  Lance sat down
next to him, and JC peered at him through moon-shaped eyes, half-asleep.

     "Did you give me that porno magazine?"  Lance asked bluntly, and JC turned a
horrible shade of purple and buried his face in his knees, nodding.  Lance exhaled
sharply, relieved, and added, "well, thank you.  It's kind of embarrassing to buy them
for myself."

     "It was on sale," JC muttered, his voice muffled by his pants.  "Two for one."

     "I wasn't aware you were into that," Lance said.

     "Oh, I'm not.  It was for. another friend.  You know, because I think he's
questioning, and um.  Well, I thought of you, and your mom is always watching you,
so yeah."  JC looked up, his fringe of hair ruffled across his forehead.  "But I was
right. that you're. camp."

     "The campiest," Lance replied, dryly.

     "I can tell these things," JC explained solemnly, "I just know."

     "Oh really?"  Lance asked and elbowed JC, just because he could do that with
JC.  Lance actually considered JC his closest friend in Nsync at this point, if only
because JC bought him gay porno mags because they were on sale, but also because
JC was pretty weird, and Lance was a shade of strange as well.  It was a bonding
point.

     "Really.  Like, um. you're not the only one in the group, I'd say," JC said
slowly, "like. I'd also say. Justin."

     Lance snorted.  "Oh yeah. why?"

     "Because I can tell these things."

     And it was then that Lance knew who had the other magazine.

~~~

     Justin didn't seem all that gay to Lance, at least not when he first thought
about it.  Little things, sure, but the big things, like Justin was sexing it up with a girl
every Tuesday night, seemed to point towards heterosexuality, or bisexuality, at the
very least.  

     It was on Lance's mind when Justin showed up in the bathroom again, slightly
dishevelled with still-wet lips that glistened in the dim light.  Lance had a couple
candles going that smelled like vanilla, and he wanted the illusion of romance in his
life.

     Justin perched on the edge of the tub.  "Lance?"

     Lance just stood up and followed him out.

~~~

     Lance wasn't sure what they'd do this time, or if he'd have to watch again,
which really bothered him in ways he couldn't explain.  Maria's presence unnerved
him, and he thought she knew it, in the way she'd look at him and smile behind yellow-
grey eyes.  

     Lance sat on his bed, naked because they were, and tried only to look at Justin,
didn't want to see Maria, didn't want to know what she was doing to him.  Justin was
looking at the ceiling, eyes half-open, and Lance watched his face, how he sucked his
lower lip into his mouth and breathed sharply.  

     "Close your eyes," Maria said, and Justin did it.  Maria looked at Lance,
smirking darkly, and Lance stood up, his legs heavy and leaden.  She leaned back,
careful not to touch Lance, and Lance took her place, trying not to look at Justin now.

     When Lance let the head slip into his mouth, the first taste, Justin's eyes flew
open and he put a cautious hand on Lance's shoulder, like maybe this was farther than
he thought Maria would go, would allow.  But it was too late, and they both knew it.

     A line was crossed.

~~~

     Lance wasn't horribly surprised when Justin wouldn't look at him the next day,
or when Justin went out of his way to talk about Gwen Stefani with Chris, who loved
No Doubt and bought music magazines just for her picture in the corner.  Justin was
freaked, and Lance couldn't take it back.

     Lance didn't especially want to.

~~~

     Lou felt Lance looked like a girl.  Lance agreed, staring at his toes and trying
not to cry and really hoping his mom didn't see this exchange.  Lou also thought
Lance acted like a fairy, which didn't help, either, and Lance felt like panicking.  Lou
really scared him sometimes.  

     "I don't need a fag in this group, Lance," Lou explained quietly.  

     "I know, sir," Lance said, then added with a shaky voice, "I'm not."

     Lou stroked his chin.  "You sure, Bass?"

     "Very sure, sir," Lance said, and wished he'd stop calling Lou sir and call him
Obese Asshole With A Scary Way Of Getting Too Fucking Close To His 'Boys'. 
Lance doubted he'd ever call him anything but sir, though.  

     Later, when Lou was gone, Lance started to shake, and JC hugged Lance
tightly and asked him to please not cry and that someday they'd all be free of Lou and
Lance didn't need to be ashamed about anything because he was just fine the way he
was.

     JC was really the nicest guy Lance knew.  

~~~

      The night Justin lost his virginity was terrifying.  The lights in the hotel were
flickering on and off because of the raging storm outside, and Lance hadn't expected
Maria to brave the weather, but there she was.  Lance wouldn't look at her, or Justin
either, and locked himself in the bathroom, made sure the door couldn't be opened.  

     Lance brooded a bit because he was miserable.  He wrote a long letter to
Nathan, talking about everything, like how he went down on his roommate, who was
sixteen and probably straight, even though JC had his doubts, but what did JC know
anyway?  And how Chris was suddenly really nice to him, which was great, but Joey
still had his odd moments, like when he'd be talked about this hot girl he fucked the
night before then would remember mid-story that Lance wasn't into hot girls and just.
stop.  

     The lights went out and didn't come back on, and suddenly Justin was
pounding at the door, jiggling the knob, and Lance was going to be a bitch and not let
him in, but Lance was just too fucking nice to everyone and opened it instead.  

     Justin opened his mouth, and closed it, his face red and blotchy, and he looked
really ugly, really terrible in that moment, when he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Lance,"
and started to cry, ugly, huge tears that streamed down his face.  Justin didn't make a
sound while he sobbed.  

     "Oh, hey," Lance said, wrapping Justin in a tight hug.  "Shh.  What's wrong?"

     "I'm not.  I'm not a virgin anymore," Justin gasped, this tiny little sound, and
he sounded so ashamed of it, which made Lance ache inside.  Justin was a romantic,
pure and simple, and Lance realised Justin needed love, too, maybe even marriage. 
Lance always suspected Justin was saving it because of that.  "oh, Lance.  Oh."

     He was obviously rattled, so Lance pulled him to Lance's bed, which was still
made and clean, and lifted up the covers.  Justin lay down, whimpering, and Lance
climbed in beside him, an arm slung over his waist.  "Is that okay?"

     Justin hiccuped and nodded, his chest heaving while he fought his tears, and
lost.  Lance hummed in his ear comfortingly, and stroked his hair with light fingertips,
brushing the curls back from Justin's blotted face.  Justin was making strange noises,
wet inhales of breath that echoed back and squeaked, and he was shaking so hard.

     "Don't ever tell," Justin whispered, "don't ever tell them, please."

     "I won't," Lance promised, "I said I never would.  It's our secret.  Shh.  I
won't tell."

     Justin calmed down after fifteen minutes then fell into a quiet sleep, but Lance
stayed there, pressed against him and holding him tight.  

     Maria didn't come around anymore after that.

~~~

     The next time Lance drank with the guys, they talked about the first time
they'd all had sex.  Lance knew about Joey at sixteen and his girl in the basement of
his grandma's house, on an orange corduroy couch, and about Chris and his best
friend, trying it out for the first time together when they were fifteen and having a
pregnancy scare, and about JC, who was eighteen and waited a long time before doing
it with a member of the MMC when it ended, but he wouldn't say who.

     "So, Lance," Chris said casually, and Lance blushed.  "You have a story to
tell?"

     All the eyes were on him, which Lance hated in closed settings.  He loved
arenas because he never saw faces, but when they played clubs, he couldn't stand how
everyone stared at him.  Lance nodded and said, "um.  Nathan, my um. boyfriend.  My
sixteenth birthday, we snuck into my room after school and did it."

     "You had a boyfriend?"  Justin asked, and Lance nodded.  "Do you still have
one?"

     "We broke up.  It was him or the group," Lance said, "and I picked you guys."

     "Dude," Joey said, and leaned over to squeeze Lance's shoulder because Joey
left Kelly for the group, too, and Lance knew he sometimes regretted it.

     They all went to bed soon after, and understood about sacrifice.

~~~

     The heat in the hotel broke, and it was fucking cold.  Lance could hear Chris
yelling through the walls, on the phone trying to demand warmth, but louder still, was
Justin chattering in the bed next to him.  It was kind of worse for the Southern boys,
who'd never really seen snow until Europe and still didn't understand how cold could
be anything but bad.  

     "Justin," Lance said, "come here."

     Justin scrambled over, didn't even have to be asked twice, and climbed into
bed with Lance, shaking and breathing hard, and icy, his skin was like how Lance
imagined dead people felt.  Lance was still warm from his shower, and Justin seemed
to be trying to climb inside his skin.  Lance closed his eyes and fell asleep.

~~~

     When Lance woke up in the middle of the night, Justin's hand was up his shirt
and pressed against his belly, and they were sweating, though Lance stuck an arm out
from under the covers and yelped.  The heat was not back on, and Lance hoped that
Joey, JC and Chris were comfortable enough with each other to climb into bed
together or they'd be dead and frozen by morning.  

     "Lance?"  Justin asked, and his voice wasn't rough at all, like he'd never fallen
asleep.

     "Hmm?"

     "How did you know?  That you were gay?  Did you kiss a guy and realise it?"

     Lance shook his head.  "I just knew.  I was out to my whole family before I
ever got kissed.  I just knew, because I'd always been and just hadn't had a name for it
until someone at school called me a fag and I asked my mom what he meant, and she
told me."

     "How old were you?"

     "Eleven," Lance said, and felt Justin's hand on his stomach and how it
sometimes pressed but never strayed.  "But it isn't like that for everyone.  Some
people have to actually kiss or touch or whatever, you know, to affirm that yes, they
do like boys better than girls, and that's okay, too.  We all have our own ways of
finding out what we like."

     "Chris says to try everything once," Justin pointed out.

     "And that's Chris's way.  JC likes to read about things first then try them if
they interest him, and Joey knows what he likes and what he doesn't, because he
follows his gut.  My brain tells me what I want, and I'm okay with that," Lance
explained, shrugging.  It was so hot under the covers.  "There's just different ways to
go about it."

     "Turn over?"  Justin asked, and Lance rolled onto his back.  Justin touched
Lance's face gently and tilted his head thoughtfully.  Justin leaned up and kissed Lance
with closed lips.  "Is my way okay?  I just want to be sure."

     "What do you want me to do?"  Lance asked, shivering.  

     "I want you to have sex with me," Justin said quietly, staring at Lance with
intensely dark eyes, so serious in his request, "and I want you to be inside me, like, the
way I've heard about.  I have all the stuff we'd need.  I bought it."

     "Right now?"  Lance asked, shaking.  

     "Please," Justin said, and pulled his sweatshirt off and kicked down his boxers,
then tried to get Lance out of his.  Lance watched him tugging at the elastic then lifted
his hips, finally, to make it easy.  Justin looked at Lance, smoothed a warm hand over
Lance's cock and pressed it against Lance's belly. "So you just looked at one of these
one days and knew you wanted to suck it?"

     "Well, no," Lance said, smiling a bit.  "I thought that was kind of gross.  The
way I understood it, I was just going to spend my life with a dick in my ass because I
was small and effeminate.  I didn't know very much, back then."

     "I think about it sometimes," Justin admitted, "I didn't like sex with a girl very
much."

     "So you want to see what sex with a boy is like?"  Justin nodded, and Lance
touched Justin's cheek, holding his fingers there.  "Okay."

~~~

     The next morning, Justin was gone from the room, and Lance woke up with a
start, belly still messy from the night before and trying not to think about Justin
beneath him, biting his lip, whimpering a bit when it hurt but breathing Lance's name
by the end, when Justin relaxed and Lance finally found a rhythm.  

     Lance took a shower and got dressed, then went next door for breakfast. 
Inside, Chris was laughing about something, and Lance noticed it was much warmer
than it'd been last night.  Lance entered the room just in time to hear Chris say, "you
dog, you!"

     "Hey, Lance," Joey said, grinning, "did you hear?  Our little Justin ain't no
virgin anymore!"  Joey ruffled Justin's hair, while Justin stared at the floor, looking
like he had all those nights when Maria came over.  "But he won't say who!"

     "Protecting their virtue," Chris added and laughed.  "Our baby boy is all grown
up."

     JC just looked at Lance, and Lance smiled automatically, fixing his eyes on
Justin's knees.  

     "That's cool, Justin.  I'm proud of you."

     It was the stupidest Lance ever said.  

~~~

     Lance moped for awhile.  It wasn't like he was in love with Justin or anything,
not really, just maybe a bit, because Lance thought he was really beautiful and didn't
mind that Justin could be a brat.  Lance slept in a bathtub for Justin while he fucked
around with a girl, and that, Lance realised, was something not many people would
ever do for Justin.

     "Sweetie," his mom said, while trimming his hair, and Lance's eyes burned
with tears.  "Oh, honey, someone broke your heart, didn't he?"  

     And Lance nodded sadly, because it was broken, even if he hadn't realised he
wanted more and hadn't asked and shouldn't have fallen for somebody who would go
out and tell his friends about sleeping with a girl the night after he slept with Lance.  
     
     His mom tucked him into bed and kissed him on the forehead and told him that
things would get better eventually, and that there was a boy out there, just waiting for
Lance, and maybe it'd take awhile to find, because he'd have to be special and aware
of the danger, but Lance would find him.  

     Lance was so tired of waiting, though.

~~~

     Lance did what he promised he wouldn't and went looking for a guy in a
public bathroom, a couple blocks away from the hotel.  He snuck out by himself when
no one was looking and found the place he'd heard about, a dingy little place with
mould on the toilets.  

     Lance went into a stall and sat down and waited.  Lance was a precious
commodity, he knew, still young and new and pretty, and didn't look eighteen at all. 
When a man came into the stall beside him, Lance peered through the hole.  He was
old, probably forty or something, and dressed in a suit.  Too old, Lance knew, too
much a man for Lance, but Lance was desperate.  

     The guy wasn't into blowjobs, Lance found out, but he was into fucking.  He
tried to bend Lance over the toilet and do it quickly, but he didn't have a condom, and
Lance wasn't stupid.  Lance pushed him away and got hit back, and the guy, it
seemed, was also into pain because he hit hard and fast before he jerked off on Lance's
shirt and left.  

     Lance phoned Chris up from a payphone, to ask for help and something clean
to wear.

~~~

     "Dude. what the fuck. Oh," Chris said and stopped, frowning as he looked
around the bathroom.  Lance was standing at the sink, looking at his face, and Chris
went into the stall to get some toilet paper.  "You promised, Lance."

     "I slept with Justin," Lance whispered, staring at the reflection of his strange
eyes.  "Not first, a girl did that, but I slept with him. because he asked me to. because I
thought. maybe," and Lance crumbled, crying softly into his hand while Chris tried to
clean him up.  "I think I fell in love with him."

     Chris made a sympathetic noise, which was strange because Chris usually
showed no sympathy for anybody, and he squeezed Lance's shoulder.  "He loves you
back, man," Chris said, "he won't say, but we all know it.  Me, Joey, JC, we knew it
from day one, when he wanted to kick our asses because we looked at another bass
and he wanted you because you sounded nice on the phone."

     "He doesn't know what he wants," Lance said, sniffing, while Chris put
makeup on Lance's face to hide the bruising.  "He's tried everything, but he wasn't
even there when I woke up.  I don't.  I don't usually do that with people."

     "Lance, dude.  The kid woke up early to tell us all about his great night." 
Chris carefully dabbed heavy foundation over Lance's cheeks.  "You should have seen
him, practically shaking before he finally blurted it out.  We were kind of hoping it was
you."

     Lance rubbed at his eyes.  "I wasn't the first."

     "You were the first that counted."

~~~

     Later that night, when Lance was getting ready for bed, and Justin was sitting
by the window, staring outside, Lance walked up to him and touched his shoulder. 
Justin looked up, eyes huge, and his brow furrowed, his lips parted slightly.  

     "Hey," Lance said.

     And Justin said, "hey."

~~~

     Justin was warm and lithe, and had this way of arching his back whenever
Lance touched his hips, small sounds escaping his throat.  Justin's fingers grappled
desperately at Lance back, mouth open wide and swallowing Lance's kisses, as Lance
rocked against him, over him, touching all over his beautiful body.

     Justin dragged his mouth over Lance's skin, leaving imprints, breathing Lance
in with every breath, and Lance felt gorgeous, like he was glowing and alive, with
Justin between his legs and licking, sucking, swallowing, and comfortable, young but
no longer confused.

     Later, with Justin heavy and sleepy in his arms, Lance murmured something
about love and commitment and other scary words, but Justin merely nodded and
smiled, tucked against Lance's body and still, calm.

     Calm, like he'd tried everything once and had come back to only Lance for
more.

Fin.