Jealous
“You’re shitting me.” JC gapes at Chris, his mouth hanging open in amazement.
“Nope. I am definitely not shitting you, Chasez.” Chris in full-out gloating mode is usually something Lance likes to avoid, but he has to admit the look on JC’s face is priceless. “Obviously,” he says as he waves his hand at the box he brought in the studio. “And C, close your mouth. Something might fly in there, if you’re not careful.”
JC closes his mouth with a snap. “How? Just answer me that. How the hell did you manage it?” JC glares at Chris, who cackles gleefully.
“I know people, C. People you obviously don’t know.” His eyes sparkle with amusement.
Lance is perfectly willing to believe that Chris engineered the whole getting his hands on a Platinum Xbox Live for Christmas thing, when they’ve been completely unobtainable to the general public for months before the holidays, simply to drive JC out of his mind with jealousy. If so, it’s worked beautifully. JC is practically quivering with baffled envy.
JC caresses the shiny silver box, lust and longing in his eyes. Chris smirks and winks at Justin. “It’s gorgeous,” JC sighs.
“I think this here is going to make choosing buses even more interesting than it was already gonna be,” Chris says, patting the X-Box affectionately. Lance glances sharply over at him, but Chris regards him mildly, his face unreadable. Buses for their upcoming tour is a topic they all pretty much avoid, and Lance wonders if maybe Chris had more than one ulterior motive when he figured out a way to get the newest Xbox incarnation in his hot little hands well before almost anyone else in the civilized world.
There’s no way they’re going to get any work done now, so they spend their first day back in the studio after Christmas playing Halo 5. It’s a nice way to ease back into things, Lance thinks. They spent a long time away from each other, years, and now any break at all makes them fall back into acting like they don’t remember how to be together.
One more thing to lay at Justin’s door.
Lance had a very nice Christmas with his family. Stacy’s kids are amazing, and he and his dad and Ford always have a good time hunting or fishing. He’s never unhappy in Mississippi. It’s one reason he always tells people he’s from there whenever he gets the chance, whether he’s on TV, or the radio, in fact, any time anyone sticks a microphone in his face. Being from Mississippi is his talisman, and he won’t ever leave it behind.
Chris used to laugh at him for that, although not in an unkind way. JC always looked puzzled when Lance talked about where he was from as if it was the most important thing about him. Place isn’t important to JC, people are. It doesn’t matter to him where he grew up, what matters is who he grew up with. Joey talks about being from Brooklyn, and he’s proud of it, but when his family moved to Orlando, Joey never looked back.
Justin, though. Justin gets it. He’s never mocked Lance for being so fiercely proud of where he’s from, and in fact he shares Lance’s love for all things Southern. It was one of the things Lance used to like best about him.
And now they’re back in Orlando, back in the studio. Jive’s been making noises about them going to LA to put the finishing touches on the album, and perversely, after all his bitching, now Lance doesn’t want to go. He feels like he may be making some progress in finding a bit of peace with the way things are, in spite of his occasional lapses into bitterness. LA has a tendency to make him do stupid things, he’s not above admitting that. He feels safer here. Safe from himself, and safe from the constant reminders of the gap between Justin and the rest of them that LA always seems happy to provide.
For the first time in forever, Lance actually beats JC at a video game. Lance figures it’s because JC’s still trying to figure out how Chris ended up with something JC’s been coveting for months, and he’s distracted. Lance recovers from his shock when Justin says, “My turn! Shove over, JC, I want a turn.” It’s the voice of Justin from a million years ago, and it makes something hurt in Lance’s chest. This whole reunion thing, and it’s like he has to lose Justin over and over again with each reminder.
He looks around, and his eyes light on Joey. “Here, Joe, you haven’t had a turn yet.” And he abruptly stands up and shoves his controls blindly in Joey’s direction.
He hears Justin sigh, and the anger that’s always there, simmering just beneath the surface, rises up, surprising him with its sudden intensity.
“What? What is it, Justin? What’s wrong now?” he snarls.
Justin looks at him, startled, then his eyes narrow. “What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’m sick of you treating me like I have some contagious disease, like it would be the end of the world if you spent more than five minutes with me, or got within five feet of me.” His voice gets louder as he speaks, and at the end, he’s almost yelling, his hands clenched into fists on his thighs. JC, who’s been holding out his controls for Justin to take, lowers his arm slowly, looking between the two of them. The worry on his face just pisses Lance off more.
“Maybe it would be! Maybe it would make me sick! Maybe I think you destroy everything you get close to!” And hello, dramatic much? But Lance doesn’t care. Chris is standing off to the side, tension in every line of his body, glaring. Lance doesn’t care about Chris, either. Because suddenly they’ve gotten down to it, sides. Everybody gets to make it perfectly clear whose side they’re on now, right out in the open. Lance can’t wait. He’s sick of all the bullshit. Screw peace of mind.
“What do you mean by that, Lance? How do I do that?” Justin turns to confront him and his voice is shaking.
“By leaving! Did you ever notice that, Justin? You have a bad habit of leaving when other people need you to stay!” And he doesn’t mean to say any of this, but things have escalated so quickly, and anyway, it’s not like he hasn’t said it before.
“It wasn’t just me, Lance. And maybe the things I left weren’t worth staying around for.” Justin looks stricken, and he bites his lip like those words weren’t supposed to come out. “Maybe it was impossible for me to stay.”
“You mean like NSYNC? Is that what you mean, Justin? NSYNC wasn’t worth staying for?” And that’s not fair at all, and Lance knows it and he’s too mad to care.
The expression on Justin’s face is bleak. “Fuck you,” he says hoarsely. “That’s not what I meant and you know it, you bastard. And fuck you, too, Joe,” he says as he shakes Joey’s hand off him arm. Joey backs off reluctantly, looking grim.
“How would I know that, Justin? It’s not like you’ve included us in your success for a while, is it?” He needs to be careful here, because he knows JC and Joey feel plenty successful these days, and he really doesn’t mean to imply that what they’ve accomplished on their own is less than what Justin has done.
But it’s Chris who’s looking furiously at him. “You need to shut up, Lance. It’s not Justin’s fault, the way things are. He’s not responsible for how things have gone for you since we-”
“Shut up, Chris,” Justin hisses furiously. He’s white around the mouth and his eyes glitter. He turns to Lance. “Do you really want to rehash what happened, Lance? Here, now?” He gestures to everyone else in the room. “Again?”
And no, Lance doesn’t want to do that. He looks away, and suddenly he can’t breathe, his chest hurts and his throat is tight. He shakes his head, once, sharp and short. Distantly he hears Justin tell the rest of them to get out. And then he hears Justin’s voice, close behind him. He doesn’t turn around.
“Lance. I don’t know what to do anymore. I thought, I hoped-” and Justin breaks off. Lance can’t think about what those words might mean, what Justin might hope for. He can only hear Justin’s voice in his ear, and the sense memories that recalls make him tremble. He almost doesn’t hear what Justin says next. “I hoped we could be friends again.” He sounds defeated.
Lance doesn’t want to be friends. He wants to go back, back to when being friends was only part of what they were. He wants Justin, he’s never stopped wanting Justin, for all the good it’s done him. “No.” It’s the only word he can make himself say.
Lance waits until he hears the door close before he turns around. Justin’s gone and Joey’s in his place, waiting for him. Joey shakes his head, his eyes kind, but he says, “Lance, man, you’ve got to stop this. You’re gonna tear us all apart again.”
Lance’s eyes burn and he’s suddenly exhausted. “I don’t know how to stop, Joe. I want-” he breaks off. No. He’s not going to say it.
But Joey nods anyway. “I know.” He studies Lance’s face. “Come on, let’s go home. It’s warm enough to swim today. Let’s get Bri and you guys can spend the rest of the day in the pool.”
~~~~~
“Why you two? Does Al Gore know something he shouldn’t?” Chris asked. Justin was surprised at the snide tone of voice.
He shook his head. “Dude, don’t be like that. Al Gore’s from Tennessee, you know. Maybe it’s because we’re both from the South?” He had no idea why just he and Lance had been invited to the White House Easter Egg Hunt. For all he knew, the whole group had been invited and Johnny had decided that only Lance and Justin should go. It didn’t seem like a big deal to Justin, but it obviously was to Chris.
“Oh, are you? I hadn’t heard that before.” Haha, thought Justin. Very funny. “I thought maybe it’s because you’re both so young that you’re still interested in hunting for Easter eggs with a bunch of other little kids.” Chris slammed his beer down on the table between him and Justin.
“At the White House? Hell, yeah. Why wouldn’t we be?” Justin ignored the comment about his age.
They were sitting out by Justin’s pool, enjoying one of the few free days they were going to have for quite a while. The No Strings Attached tour was slated to get underway in May, just about three weeks from now, and as they sold more CDs with each passing week, things just kept getting crazier and crazier. One of those crazy things was apparently Chris.
“I like Easter Egg hunts,” Chris mumbled, picking up his beer again and taking a long swig, not looking over at Justin.
Ah. “I know, Chris, me and Lance didn’t plan this, you know?” Not that Justin minded it at all. He was excited about going to the White House with Lance. They were both looking forward to it.
Chris sighed and didn’t say anything for a while, just lay back in his lounge chair and closed his eyes against the bright midday sun. Justin waited, listening to the spring breeze rustle through the palm trees around the pool.
“Okay, I’m over it,” Chris said briskly. “It’s not like there’s not going to be any time to hang out with you in the next year or so, or however long Johnny’s got this tour going on. I can probably pry you away from Bass every once in a while.” Chris sat up and blinked at Justin. “I know you’re underage, Timberlake, but there’s got to be more beer around here somewhere.”
Justin couldn’t help thinking back to that conversation just two weeks later when he was packing to go to Hawaii with Brit.
“I’ll be back in time for your birthday, Lance. Johnny says-”
“I don’t care what Johnny says, Justin. It’s my 21st birthday.” Lance sat on the bed, watching as Justin studied a pile of t-shirts, trying to decide which ones to take with him.
“Which I’ll be back in time for, I think I said.” He tried leering at Lance, without much success. “I wouldn’t miss that. You’ll be all legal and shit.”
“And you won’t be. What’s your point?” Justin gritted his teeth. He hated it when Lance got pissy like this.
“Lance. It’s just a few days. It’s just with Brit. I don’t get what your problem is. Why are you being such a bitch about this?” He threw his Abercrombie flipflops into the suitcase on top of his bathing suit.
“Maybe I’m not thrilled about you going off with Britney for a week in Hawaii.” Justin stopped counting pairs of underwear and looked closely at Lance, who was playing with the handle of Justin’s suitcase, flipping it back and forth, not meeting Justin’s eyes. Justin covered Lance’s hand with his own, stilling it, tangling their fingers together.
“Why not?” Justin asked him softly.
“Because.” Lance shrugged. “I don’t think you miss me when you’re with her.”
Justin took a minute to answer that. It was ridiculous, he missed Lance whenever they were apart. He and Britney had fun together, but that’s all it was. They had a job to do. Luckily, it was a job Justin enjoyed a great deal. “Lance. Look at me.” Lance raised his eyes from where he had been studying their joined hands. “I love you and I’ll be back for your birthday.”
Lance studied him closely, then nodded. “I know.” He leaned forward and kissed Justin quickly. “I know.”
~~~~~
“Can you believe this guy?” Joey slams a sheaf of papers down on the table, pulls out his chair and slumps down into it. He’s the last one to arrive and he sits there scowling a minute before he seems to realize that the rest of them are staring at him in bemusement. He glances around the table with a rueful smile. “Sorry.”
“What’s up, Joe? The pool guy again?” Lance’s smile is sympathetic. Justin has no idea what’s going on.
“Yeah. Fucker. He’s actually filed papers with the zoning board with measurements exactly one foot bigger in every direction! Can you believe that?”
Chris is cackling into his Coke, and JC’s trying to hide a smile behind his hand. Justin starts to feel a little paranoid that everyone knows what Joey’s talking about except him. Things have been a bit strained between them all since the fight he and Lance had the other day. One of the things that doesn’t seem to have changed much over the years is the way the other guys react to his and Lance’s battles. Everyone has opinions, and everyone tries to pretend they don’t, so that things stay smooth on the surface, but underneath, there are shifting loyalties and hidden alliances. Justin hates it, he always did, but he can’t really blame them for it. There are days he’s just grateful that JC, Chris and Joey are willing to do this again. He may have said hell no if he’d been in their shoes. He’s sure they’ve been tempted to do just that on more than one occasion.
He waits, and sure enough, Chris fills him in. “There’s a guy trying to build a pool bigger than Joe’s pool.” And that’s all the explanation Justin needs to get it. Joey’s inordinately proud of having the biggest domestic swimming pool in the state of Florida, or whatever, and if someone’s threatening that, well, there’s no way he’s gonna to let that go without a fight.
“How did you find out?” he asks Joey curiously.
“You know he has a whole network of contractor friends,” JC says, and no, Justin didn’t know that. “They make sure to keep him up to date on important stuff like this.” JC’s smile is mocking but affectionate.
Joey doesn’t even notice. He’s rifling through his pile of papers, frowning at them. “I think I can figure out a way to stop him,” he muses. “I just need to go see Frank at the zoning board tomorrow morning.” He absently starts eating the hamburger Lance ordered earlier, so it would be ready for him when he showed up. He takes a bite and grimaces. “Bass, what the hell did you get me? Is there bacon on this?”
“No, Joey, there’s no bacon on your hamburger. Here, give me that.” Lance grabs the hamburger out of Joey’s hands, opens it up, takes off a couple of strips of bacon, which he deposits on his own plate, closes it up again, and hands it back to Joey. “See? No bacon.” He grins, and Justin’s heart breaks a little at the sight. He quickly looks away. There’s no surer way to make that smile disappear than for Lance to catch Justin watching him.
Later, when Lance and JC are huddled together discussing how JC wants Lance to sing the solo Lance is refusing point blank to sing on the song JC wrote about friendship, the one Justin calls Bros Before Hos in his head, and Chris plays Halo with the kind of concentration Justin usually reserves for sex or golf, Justin listens to Joey’s voice rise sweetly on the bridge of the song they’re currently laying down. He allows himself a moment of envy as he listens. He can still sing falsetto, of course, just not very well and not for long before he feels the strain. He sighs and gives himself a mental shake and reminds himself that he can still sing a hell of a song, and that falsetto isn’t everything. He’s lucky that he has four people to sing with him, people that don’t judge his voice, who love him for what he can do, and who will do their best to make it all sound as perfect as they can make it.
He meets Joey’s eye and Joey smiles sympathetically at him. He nods back and starts singing, too.
~~~~~
jealous: a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness c: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage d: vigilant in guarding a possession
