Epiphany
“Lance, buddy, what the hell were you thinking?” Joey was using his concerned voice, and Lance sighed into the phone. Joey was born to be a parent, and wow, did Lance feel sorry for Briahna whenever she started dating.“Just leave it, Joe,” he said wearily.
“You do know how bad an idea it is, right?” Joey asked, ignoring Lance completely.
“Possibly. It’s also possible that I don’t really care.” Joey had a point. Out-bidding Nick Lachey at a charity auction for a snowboarding trip with Justin was maybe not the brightest move Lance had ever made, but it was done now, and there was no reason to endlessly discuss how stupid it was.
Except that his best friend apparently felt there was. Lance decided to give Joey five minutes, listened patiently for four of them, then said, “Oops, I’ve got a beep. Gotta go, Joe,” and hung up. He knew he’d probably pay for that later, but he didn’t care.
Buying Justin wasn’t something he could keep a secret, since it was in all the papers, so he wasn’t surprised at the phone calls he got. JC had the same questions Joey did, but he was less parental about it, so Lance let him talk without hanging up on him. Chris didn’t have much to say, just told him to be careful he didn’t make things even worse than they were. Lance told him he didn’t think they could get much worse, and thanked him for his concern.
His mom thought it was a good idea. She was big on talking things out, and she’d always thought that if he and Justin just talked about everything, they’d be fine. Lance thought she could be right, except that it hadn’t worked at any time in the past five years, so why would it work now?
He honestly had no idea what he’d been thinking, or what he thought would happen. He just saw an opportunity and took it.
That week in Sundance wasn’t his best film festival experience ever. He had great fun with Jamie Lynn, as usual. The swag was fantastic, and they had a blast trying on sunglasses and making the rounds of parties. He was aware that Justin was there, that Cameron was with him, and he was trying to think how to find a way into the Alpha Dog premiere without anyone seeing him, especially Justin.
This year was tough. Several years ago, he had come to Sundance full of ideas and contacts, with heady plans about making movies, brimming with optimism and excitement about the future. This year, if he hadn’t already known that he was only here to party and collect swag, and be lumped with people like Paris Hilton instead of with the serious movers and shakers of the movie industry, he had both Justin, the Serious Actor, and Perez Hilton, the Asshole, to thank for making sure he left knowing full well exactly what his place was.
It was a defining moment, for sure, when he saw the story about the sex shop, the pink dildo, and his jacket catching fire popping up in so many different places. Perez, of course, had an ax to grind after Lance had so scornfully rebuffed his overtures in LA last month, and he was obviously determined to humiliate Lance publicly. It had maybe been a mistake to respond on MySpace, but Lance was highly pissed. Mostly, though, it just made him realize that all of the articles bemoaning the idea that Sundance had become more celebrity oriented and less about the movies were, in fact, about him, even when they didn’t mention his name, and that somewhere along the way, his career as an ex-boybander had become something of a joke.
It had never been Lance’s ambition to be a punch line.
He had been half afraid that Justin would back out of the snowboarding thing, that he would be too busy, or even that he would, in the ultimate affront, bring Cameron with him. The fact that he didn’t made Lance at least hope that they could talk.
“I see you still fall on your ass a lot,” Justin remarked as they rode the ski lift back up the mountain. It had been a good day, the first day they had really spent any time together in years. The conversation stayed casual and they stuck to topics they both knew were safe.
There weren’t really a lot of those.
“I saw Chris the last time I was in Orlando,” Lance said, as he puffed his way across the slope behind Justin, following him to where the run started. Justin snowboarded far more often than Lance did, but Lance still threw himself into it with abandon whenever he found himself on a board. “He has this huge painting of us in his front entrance. We’re practically life-size, and it’s on black velvet. We’re like five velvet Elvises,” he chuckled. He loved that painting, loved that Chris had it right there for everyone to see when they walked into his house.
“Chris is insane,” Justin said simply. Lance laughed and nodded. It was as good a response as any.
Lance filled Justin in on the TV show he and Joey were trying to get people interested in. “Out of Sync, we’re thinking about calling it.” He thought maybe he saw Justin wince a little at that. He quickly changed the subject to stories about Joey’s swimming pool and Briahna’s adventures in kindergarten.
They touched briefly on Backstreet’s reunion and tour, but it was obviously an uncomfortable subject for Justin, so after talking some smack about Nick, they moved on.
Justin mentioned that he had been writing a few songs with JC, ones that JC was thinking about using on his new album, but that came too close to the subject of how recording was going on Justin's CD, and how his voice was doing, so they backed warily away from that discussion.
Lance was exhausted but not unhappy by the time they made their last run. There were photographers, and they both managed to look like they were having a good time together, two old friends enjoying a day on the slopes. Once inside the lodge, they stripped off their jackets, changed from boots to shoes, and then Lance looked at Justin and said, “Wanna get a drink?”
Justin hesitated. Then he nodded and said, “Not here.”
They ended up at the villa Justin and Cameron were renting. “Cameron had to go back to LA. She’s working,” was all Justin said as they made themselves comfortable on the couch, a bottle of Jack on the coffee table in front of them, the flames in the gas fire place silently flickering on the other side of the room.
They drank in silence for a while, and although Lance wouldn’t have described it as a companionable silence, it was close enough. Justin stared into his glass, swirling the amber liquid around as if he could find the all the answers he was seeking among the half-melted ice cubes. Finally, he sighed and looked up, firelight reflected in his eyes. “C’mere.”
Lance went. Justin met him halfway, and it was like it always was between them, hot and desperate. This time, though, Lance pulled away before it went further than a kiss. This time, Lance asked his question first.
He picked up his drink to give himself something to do and said, “Justin, couldn’t we try again?” He waited, the hissing of the fireplace unnaturally loud in the silence.
“I don’t know, Lance,” Justin said in a low voice. Lance made himself breath slowly and evenly. This was the first time Justin hadn’t just said no since the day Lance had told him about Wade and Britney.
“You know I never meant things to end, when they happened the way they did.” Lance laughed ruefully, looking down at the glass in his hand. “I never wanted them to end. You were supposed to be my forever.”
Justin nodded. “I know. I just, I was hurt,” he shrugged. “Angry. And then the hiatus, you know, and things were happening, and most of the time I think it’s better this way.”
“Only most of the time? Not all of the time?” Lance fought to keep his voice steady.
“Not all of the time,” Justin admitted softly.
It was all Lance could do to keep himself from grabbing Justin and kissing him senseless. This wasn’t Justin agreeing to anything, this was just Justin saying sometimes, he wished things were different. “Justin? Will you think about it?” Lance had to ask, but it was undoubtedly one of the scariest things he’d ever done in whole life.
The silence seemed to go on forever. Lance’s mouth was dry, his palms were sweaty, and his heart was racing. He was afraid he might have a heart attack before Justin finally answered him.
“I’ll think about it.”
~~~~~
They all manage to get up early to do the radio interview, all of them except Chris. He still maintains that he’s too old to be out of bed that early anymore, and that if there are any questions about what his favorite color is or what kind of underwear he wears, JC can answer them. “Luckily, no one cares who I’m dating anymore,” he says cheerfully. “Plus, you don’t need me on that particular song. That’s Bass’s song.”
“I care who you’re dating,” says JC, kissing him on the cheek. “You stay and get your beauty rest, man. I’ll tell them whatever they want to know.”
Chris appears to think that over, but apparently decides sleep is more important than worrying about JC trashing his reputation.
When they first started doing promo for this CD and tour, Lance expected the questions to change, to be different than they were before, but they’re essentially the same as the questions all those years ago, and almost worse than the ones Justin and JC encountered during their solo ventures. It doesn’t help that some of the DJ’s they meet almost seem to take it as a personal affront to their own coolness that NSYNC had the nerve to reunite.
And, if anything, the personal questions are even more intrusive this time out.
“Single,” says JC.
“Single,” says Lance.
“Single,” says Justin.
Joey just laughs.
“So, this time around, you guys have someone, I mean, you have a gay member this time,” the male DJ says. The female half of the team is watching her partner with amusement. Lance rolls his eyes. This question comes up often, which isn’t really a surprise. He’s actually kind of surprised it hasn’t been a bigger deal. He guesses it’s because he’s been out for a while, almost three years, and it’s really kind of old news.
“I was gay last time around, too, you know,” Lance says mildly. “I just wasn’t out. At least not publicly,” he adds, knowing what question that will most likely trigger. He’s right.
“You mean the other guys knew you were gay back when you were, I mean, before, you know, the last time?” And Lance wonders how this guy has a job in radio when he can’t even put together a coherent sentence. He wonders if he’s making the guy uncomfortable, and he smiles at him, a smile that just barely crosses the line from flirting to threatening. It’s a smile he’s perfected over the past three years. The DJ’s eyes widen, and his pretty sidekick snickers into her coffee.
“Of course,” JC says, like that’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard.
“Sure,” says Lance patiently.
“Damn straight,” says Justin.
Joey laughs again. “Dude, Lance is my best friend. He’s never hidden it from us.”
“Did that make any of you uncomfort-” but he’s interrupted by all four of them making sure he knows the answer to that question is an emphatic no. Lance waits for the next stupid question. This guy seems to be kind of hung up on the subject.
“In fact,” Justin is saying, “I myself happen to be bi.” There’s a moment of shocked silence, which means dead air, a cardinal sin in the radio business, and the other DJ scrambles to fill the resounding silence.
“You, Justin?” You, you’re bisexual?” she asks quickly.
“I think we should go ahead and sing the-” Joey says, but Justin talks right over him.
“Oh, sure. I figured that out back when I was, what,” and here he looks right at Lance, “Fifteen? Sixteen?”
Lance is completely gob-smacked, but he recovers enough to grin at Justin and say coolly, “I’m pretty sure it was fifteen.”
Justin grins back and Joey glares at them both. JC tries to direct everybody’s attention to the fact that they’re here to sing live on the air, and in fact, they’d be happy to do so right now. Nobody pays any attention to him whatsoever. Suddenly, Lance wonders if Chris is awake and listening to this, and he has to smother a laugh.
“Did Cam-” and once again the DJ is interrupted, this time by Justin holding up a hand and saying, “You don’t want to go there, man, trust me,” and there’s something in his tone that shuts the guy right up.
Justin blows out a breath. “Look, man, I get that this is big news, although I don’t know why it should be. But I’ve answered all the questions I’m going to about it. Now, do you want to hear the song, or not?”
“Yeah, sure, fine,” the DJ says quickly. He doesn’t point out that Justin hasn’t answered many questions at all, really. “Who wants to tell us about the song?”
“Well, it’s called Only a Glimpse, and I wrote it for Lance,” Justin announces.
“So he’d have something to sing,” Joey adds hastily. “Lance never gets any solos.” The DJ is staring between Lance and Justin with dawning comprehension on his face. JC starts to laugh helplessly. Lance shakes his head at all of them as Justin turns to the keyboard.
“You guys ready?” he asks, as he starts the intro. They get through the song pretty well, Lance thinks, considering JC is having a hard time stifling his giggles, and Lance is so busy wondering what the hell Justin is doing that he almost misses his cue. But as his sings the beautiful melody Justin wrote for him, his heart lifts as he realizes.
Justin is coming out for him.
~~~~~
Lance had balls, Justin had to give him that. The whole auction thing took a lot of nerve. Justin came very close to refusing to go along with it, but in the end, Cameron persuaded him to do it.
“It’ll look bad if you don’t, Justin. Plus,” she hesitated, then said, “Maybe it’ll help. Maybe you guys can talk.”
There was nothing to talk about. Justin was still in love with Lance and he probably always would be, but they were never going to be friends again, and all the conversations and deep soul-searching discussions in the world weren’t going to change that. There was too much there, too much that Justin wished was different, and too much that made it impossible.
There were just some things that Justin couldn’t do.
So he and Lance spent a relatively pleasant, if awkward day on the slopes. Lance’s snowboarding skills hadn’t improved much, but he didn’t seem to be at all daunted by that fact. He threw himself into it with his usual enthusiasm. It was classic Lance, and Justin was suddenly struck by how much he missed that. There was some French phrase he had come across once that best described Lance’s approach to life. Joie de vivre, or something like that. He’d have to look it up.
Afterwards, against his better judgment, he found himself sitting face to face with Lance in his rented villa. He looked at Lance, cheeks pink from the sun and cold air, and he just wanted. It was as simple as that. That was never going to change.
This time when Lance asked, Justin let himself say maybe. It was impossible, he knew that, but in that moment he just wanted it so badly.
But later, in the stark light of day and his computer screen, he couldn’t do it. And he knew what he was doing was unforgivable, even as he cut and pasted the blog into an e-mail, but he also knew it would end things for good and maybe give him some peace.
Lance, man, I’m sorry. I can’t. I know this guy is a motherfucking prick, but shit like this is the reason I just can’t.
We stand by our original reporting 100%! Everything we stated that happed really did. Lance loved the dildo. Lance was and is flaming (and literally on fire).__Also, even if he were to dispute that, is he REALLY going to deny that he is gay, which we stated in the post? Because we all know Lance Bass is a major homo, so Perez was MOST DEFINITELY not 100% factually inaccurate.__P.S. Hey Lance, say hi to Jesse T. from Wilhemina. That's one hot piece of mangina! You lucky bitch.
I’m so sorry. J
~~~~~
JC is still chuckling to himself in the car. Justin refuses to talk about it. “It can wait until we’re back at the hotel with Chris. I don’t want to have this discussion twice,” he says firmly. “And you know he was awake and listening to the show. The lazy fucker just didn’t want to go to the radio station with us.”
So the ride back to the hotel is silent, punctuated by JC’s occasional snickers and Joey shaking his head and muttering, “Shit,” every few minutes. Justin just grins at Lance, holding his hand and playing thoughtfully with his fingers.
Lance doesn’t say anything at all. Immediately after they went off the air, he’d excused himself to the bathroom. After a moment’s hesitation, Justin followed him. He found himself being ambushed by a happily smiling Lance, who kissed him enthusiastically and said, “You’re insane. I just wanted to tell you that. Let’s go,” and dragged him out to the car, the others following bemusedly behind in their wake.
Lonnie must have radioed ahead that they were coming, because when the elevator doors slide open, Chris is standing there, arms crossed over his chest, his eyes narrowed. As soon as Justin steps off the elevator, he whaps him upside the head. “You had to do that when I wasn’t there? I had to miss all the fun? I had to listen to it and not be able to say anything? Fuck you, Timberlake.”
He really is indignant, and JC starts laughing all over again.
“Now look what you did, Chris. We just got him calmed down,” Lance says.
“Can we get out of the hallway,” Justin pleads.
Lonnie nods. “I think that’s a good idea, man.”
They file into Lance’s room, because it’s the closest. They all turn to look at Justin, all of them with the identical start talking, buddy expression on their faces. Justin suppresses the urge to laugh along with JC. He shrugs and starts talking.
“I didn’t exactly plan it, at least not specifically for this morning,” he says, looking at Chris, holding up his hands in defense. “I just thought, you know, if there was an opportunity, you all knew that, and really, that guy was a fucking asshole, so I just did it. We did talk about this, I know we did,” and Justin huffs out a breath in exasperation. They had talked about it.
Lance nods. “Okay. Okay. But if anyone has any more bombshells they’d like to drop in an interview, let me know beforehand, wouldja?” He looks around and smiles happily. “I don’t think my heart can take another interview like that one.”
~~~~~
epiphany: a: a sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something b: an intuitive grasp of reality through something (an event) usually simple and striking c: an illuminating discovery d: a revealing scene or moment
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